By TLB Contributing Author: Ken LaRive
Statistics of relationship abuse and the diverse reasons why it is growing, are not easily defined. Teen suicide, drugs and alcoholism, children born out of wedlock, abortions for birth control, and cultural and intellectual dropouts are all signs of growing social problems.
Amazingly, Government-run programs designed to impede the acceleration of these tribulations are now blamed for much of the escalation, as the irresponsibility for one’s own actions are justified, and actually promoted by government intervention.
All families, including our own, suffer from this toxicity, and it is growing more prevalent in a society of weak family values, diminishing ideologies, and emotional vacancy.
One can recognize a toxic person, and even see elements of it in themselves.
Here are several books that can help you cope, and to deal with this amazingly frustrating and painful problem.
- The Power of Purpose: Creating Meaning in Your Life and Work by Richard J. Leider, Berrett-Koehler Publishers 1997.
• The Rookie’s Playbook: Insights and Dirt for New Principals by Autumn Tooms, Rowland and Littlefield 2005.
• I Thought I Was the Crazy One: 201 Ways to identify and Deal with Toxic People by Ruthie O. Grant, Personhood Press 2003.
• Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D. McGraw-Hill Professional 2002.
Toxic people seem to suffer, primarily, from low self-esteem, though it might be both promoted and perceived to be just the opposite. They try to project their lack of confidence onto others in order to disguise their own shortcomings and failings. Some of the common dysfunctional personalities fall into these categories, as shown below.
- The Criticizer – This is somebody who is convinced that he or she has the divine right to convey what on the surface might be perceived as constructive criticism, even if they hurt feelings. They revel in promoting their way of thinking with little sensitivity, but it is mostly not for the good, but a bolster of their own ego. Misery loves company, and they will promote this to manifestation it in their lives.
- The Drainer – This person uses familiarity, blood relationship, and time, to grip you emotionally. They are hard to push away. They are in somebody’s life because they need encouragement and help, but it is one way. Their focus is entirely on themselves, and cannot concentrate for long when a thought is directed toward them in conversation. They gloss over what is said, while thinking of what they will say next. In their minds, a give and take relationship is to give little and take as much as they can emotionally. Inside, they are a great void that can never be filled.
- The Know-It-All – Whatever the subject might be, they know most everything there is to know about it. Not only this, but they enjoy rubbing it in everyone’s faces. They emit a certain confidence and authority that can easily fool others. Though some might specialize in one field, and be an authority, the norm for this toxic avenger is to be a master at all.
- The Dream Killer – Dreams and creativity are essential for new discoveries and inventions, and needed for a healthy mind. Some people feel these are thwarted in their lives, and resent others who have incorporated them in theirs. Jealousy seems to be the opposite of love, and though all of us at times might feel envy for what others have accomplished, enjoy, or have physically acquired, when one revels at anther’s loss, when the loss of another does not inspire empathy but happiness, this is the most dangerous person to have in your life. They are locked in a constant state of what is, instead of what could be, and they will work behind the scenes to do you harm.
All of these individuals have one commonality, according to my life’s observations. They all depend on others for their self fulfillment, instead of what is found inside. Nobody should be fooled into thinking that he or she can alter a toxic person’s behavior by being a caretaker, because these failings run all the way back to mother’s knee.
You can recognize a toxic person by these signs.
- • A constant state of perpetual doom and gloom.
• They start conversation using a negative, then quickly try to diffuse it.
• They make snide and disrespectful remarks to employees in restaurants, banks and shops.
• They use excessive friendliness to ensnare emotionally, a method used to lure people into relationships and jobs. Once they have your attention, when your guard is down, you will find their true self.
In some instances, toxic relationships should come to a close, and for your own good.
Author’s note: We must all take a good long look at ourselves first, when attempting to understand this very convoluted subject. To see these toxic manifestations in others, we most likely have them buried deeply in us too. As a political writer, it takes a great effort to seek and find truth, and to put it to words, which may seem hard… but it is easy to be condescending of others who have not traveled the roads you have taken, and what you have learned from a reality all your own. We must all take stock on ourselves first, because amazingly, what negativity we perceive coming from others might in face be stimulated by our own. What you project to others, most often, will be returned in like kind. It is the Universal law of attraction..
TLB recommends you visit Ken @ Facets for more pertinent articles and commentary.