The History of Assault Weapons & Liberal Lunacy
Commentary (Satire) by TLB Contributing Writer: Dan Asmussen
The AR (Assault Rock) has been around for millions of years, and predates human civilization. Before humans evolved, they were just plain ordinary rocks, laying around casually and not assaulting anyone. However, the first known use of this deadly weapon, according to Biblical records, was when Cain slew his brother Abel with a variation known as the BFR or (Big Fu**ing Rock).
As human civilization evolved, BFR’s were commonly used throughout history to assault people with, but when used for food purposes they were called HR’s or ‘hunting rocks’. Prehistoric liberals found this term acceptable, as they too were hungry, and felt that assaulting an animal with intent to kill was fine as long as the meat gathered was distributed evenly to others who were too lazy to hunt. However, AR’s used on humans was considered barbaric unless used as a punishment for crimes such as adultery and theft. This was known as stoning.
Stoning was a popular means to deter crime, but when used as a punishment for homosexual practices (Leviticus 20:13), the liberals lost their minds and immediately called for a ban on all AR’s. Those who continued to use them were considered to be ‘Neanderthal’, especially those who obeyed the law and kept a stock pile of DR’s (Defense Rocks) to defend themselves with in case of an attack from a neighboring clan, (those that would break into camp to steal the meat from those who had used HR’s to secure enough food for the winter).
A few centuries later, an alternate method of getting someone stoned was discovered and considered acceptable, but when the liberals found out it’s euphoric and medicinal effects, it was banned and handed over to the alchemists to be synthesized into something they could tax for profit. (But that’s a whole other story )
As more frequent assaults occurred, it became apparent that DR’s were necessary to defend oneself with in case of an attack, and most people just kept them in their hut, using them for target practice by placing a small fruit such as an apple on top of a tree stump while standing ten paces away. When used in this manner they were just rocks, as nobody was getting assaulted. However, the liberals felt that only soldiers and centurions should have them, as it was their duty to protect their subjects, er.. I mean citizens from anyone who would do them harm.
This was good in theory, however not practical as it was impossible for the soldiers and centurions to protect every citizen, especially when they were sent off to pillage and plunder the natural resources of other sovereign nations while leaving the people at home defenseless. It was then realized by the people that everyone has an inherent and natural right to defend themselves from any attack by any and all means necessary.
This was the case when David met Goliath on the battlefield and used a single stone to take down the mighty giant with an Assault Slingshot. The stone used was called the AR1 or ‘Assault Rock One’ by the liberals (even though David was defending himself), and although effective with a single round, it was later discovered that you could cause more casualties by throwing multiple rocks at someone at the same time.
While stoning was still a practice, single rocks being thrown at someone in self defense was not as effective as 15 people throwing them at their target simultaneously, thus killing them much faster. This was called the AR15 and again, the liberals lost their minds because they thought nobody should have that many rocks thrown at them at once, even in self defense. They called for an immediate ban on the AR15 as they believed it was unnecessary, and it was ordered that all AR’s be confiscated and handed over to the state so only soldiers and centurions had them.
Eventually nobody had AR’s as it was illegal to posses one, and slowly over time the people became enslaved by their own government who had confiscated all their rocks. Soon there was an uprising, and the people revolted against their oppressive tyrants, but it proved to be futile as the dissidents were gathered up and stoned to death. Millions of them perished as they had given up their inherent right to defend themselves. Some were killed with an exclusive weapon used only by the soldiers called the M60 or sixty multiple rocks hurled at them simultaneously with an Assault Slingshot. Others fell victim to a modified version of BFR called the VBFR, where a very big fu**ing rock the size of an elephant was launched at the people with a new invention called the Assault Catapult.
Over time, the subjects became accustomed to their enslavement, while those still in rebellion invented new tools to assault with. They became known as the Assault Hammer, Assault Sword, and the Assault Knife. The Assault Sword was soon primarily used by soldiers and centurions, while the Assault Knife became the weapon of choice for the commoner, as it was easily concealed inside one’s cloak.
The tyrant known as Julius Caesar found this out the hard way after he declared himself a dictator, and met the unfortunate business end of Assault Knives belonging to Cassius and Brutus. Their attempt to restore the republic fell short however, and thus the Roman Empire was born.
As time went on, the people continued to revolt against their enslavement, as better more sophisticated assault tools were invented, including the Assault Musket and the Assault Bow and Arrow. These names were given to the weapons by the liberals, who sadly could not comprehend that there’s no such thing as an assault weapon. They’re merely inanimate objects that by themselves will not assault anyone. Only humans can assault other humans.
The moral here is quite simple:
Stop blaming the tool, and hold these assaulting humans responsible for their own violent behavior. And while you’re at it, I’d start banning prescription psychotropic drugs and hold the authorities accountable when they’re given warning that a mentally unstable individual might assault someone.
So to all you liberals out there, let me be clear: Supporters of the 2nd Amendment do not have assault weapons, we have defense weapons, and …
… the Rocks are all in your heads !!!
About the Author: Dan Asmussen is a longtime friend and contributing writer for TLB Project. Dan is wide awake and well researched in the truth concerning the world around him today. His sharp wit and strong intellect make him a most valuable asset to TLB Project, American Patriots and humanity in general.
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