Your Place In The Scheme Of Things

Your Place In The Scheme Of Things

Commentary/Satire by: Bill the Butcher 

If You Want To See How Important You Are, Don’t Speak Unless Spoken To and You Will Free Up Most Of Your Day!

Most of life’s problems can be alleviated by understanding your importance to others, and it’s easy to ascertain. Remember the last time you engaged in family conversation. First, let’s define “family.” Compare a church group with a bunch of chimpanzees on the Serengeti. The chimps mingle around, looking for grubs, checking each other for lice, masturbating and watching for lions. A family having just returning from church, will begin a quite affable conversation which, in time will evolve in a heated debate about something they cannot prove, cannot see, and before it’s all over will go home mad until next Sunday when this Congress of shaved monkeys will meet again and repeat the whole process. With any luck one of them will die and put a little life in their routine.

And every one of these Baptists, Mormons, Methodists or the dreaded atheist is plying for the floor thinking they have something earth shaking to reveal. If they had that they would be on a speaking tour and not scarfing fried chicken on an otherwise uneventful Sunday in whatever uneventful town their parents stuck them in after being planted in some badly maintained graveyard with all the other average Americans that crowd the freeway every week. God Bless ‘Murica!

So, how does one break free of the purgatory of non-existence? You do it by not participating. Consider this. When the family philosopher is explaining how the government is putting Salt Peter in all the kids milk at school and you feel the urge to comment, don’t. Let that Jackass bray. I assure you if he brays they will all bray with such a veracity that you could excuse yourself, have sex with the Bishop’s wife in an adjoining bedroom, and nobody would miss you. Be sure to get her phone number.

By sitting there silently sneaking whiskey into your coffee you will discover your prominence in the scheme of things. Which is nil! Does that mean that you are without value? Certainly not! Hey! The Bishop’s wife likes you. Who knows. You might run off together and start a new religion for people to argue about.

In any family gathering the loudest voice will prevail. Not the most informed. Wanna test that? At your next get together, while everyone is talking at once, plying for the floor, simply say in a normal voice, “I got the clap,” and see how many notice. Except the Bishop’s wife, of course.

It’s hard at first because we all want to be heard, and believe we have something to say. We don’t. Other wise we wouldn’t be eating fried chicken on a Sunday on some hot, nondescript porch in some village Walmart forgot. But, in time, the freedom of anonymity will penetrate your bones and you might run off with someone who can ignore you on a more personal basis. And I guarantee you those people back in Bugtussle will still be defining God after you are gone!!

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