One thing I have noticed about my three grandkids, from the oldest, six, to the youngest, two, they all look into your eyes when talking with you. Most children do not, and I guess I owe this amazing phenomena to my daughter and husband’s loving guiding hand.
It had started to rain, as I remember, and we were all trapped inside. I was sitting on my sofa taking a break from playing with stuffed animals and dress-up, reading my newspaper. From the side of my eye I saw a little dimpled hand reach out and touch my forehead. “Why are you frowning Pops? What’s wrong?”
I looked up to see her blue eyes squinting at me with four-year-old concern… And with a flash of wonder realized that her tiny fingers had touched my frown, and so I immediately gave her a big smile. “Oh, it’s nothing darling!” I said. “Pops is just trying to study his newspaper. I’m trying to learn what it says.” And to me, this seemed to console her, as she gave me a big smile too. She turned and again sat down on the carpet with her big brother to play Legos… but turned to look at me again, and with something like an afterthought she said: “You’re learning about sad things Pops?”
But she didn’t want an answer for that. All she wanted was to build a red wall with her lego set, and hoped that I would sit with them and help. And as I searched the shoe box for another red cube to snap together, I felt a rush of fear sweep through me, a chill to the very bone, and I struggled with everything I had to hide it. I saw their world unfolding, and mine unraveling, and I thought of the possibility that no matter how much I tried, I could not stop it. It was too big. A new world was being created on the ashes of the old, a dismantling of the country I thought my own.
I saw them in debt, a debt that could never be paid. I saw that they would never have a moment of complete solitude, or privacy, or liberty, or ever know truth. I saw that they would be slaves to a system that would attempt to project itself in their minds as an original thought, with a scientifically propagandized methodology long proven to coerce and control. I saw God displaced by technology without bounds, science without ethics, and a collective ego without imagination, or free expression. I saw a system designed to manage their thoughts, attempting to intimately own their very souls. And I saw, from my own eyes, bleary with tears held in check, and a lump in my throat from dread, that I was the only thing standing in the way. Me, Pops.
As I look back over my life, and what by the grace of God I have created, I find myself responsible for this world. Just as I have taken responsibility for my own action, so too do I take responsibility for my inaction. I should have stood up long ago. I should have studied more, tried harder, and got involved. And from deep inside of my heart, from a place that holds all of the dusty regrets shelved and tightly sealed, to keep my sanity, I can only say, I’m so very sorry. I’m so sorry my little ones. And I know that most likely by the time you realize this world for what it is, I’ll be long gone.
I hope you live in a world of enlightenment, illuminated by truth, and your hearts are full of love and joy. If you have found this around you, I could rest easy in eternity, because I know by my study that the liberty that creates this is not free, and that someone bled to give it to you. So know this, I love you more than anything in this world, and I’ll kept trying until my dying day, just as I know you will for your own grandkids, by the grace of God.