Governor Unveils Innovative 37-Step Plan To Reopen State Over The Next 10 Years
(U.S.) — With many Americans eager to get back to work, state governors across the country are responding with their plans for giving everyone permission to be normal human beings again. One state governor is enjoying universal acclaim after unveiling his own innovative plan for getting his state reopened.
The new plan is called ‘Our Vision for Health, Safety, Virtue, and Eternal Peace’ and is a 37-step, 10-year plan for slowly opening up sections of the state economy. It reads as follows:
- Form an exploratory committee to consult various experts on reopening things
- Set date to hear recommendations from the exploratory committee
- Create a panel of experts to explore the recommendations recommended by the exploratory committee
- Build a brand new website to post exploratory committee recommendations for public comment
- Discuss feedback from health experts over catered seafood lunch
- Wait 4 weeks to see if catered seafood lunch led to any additional COVID infections
- Hire commission to gauge the effectiveness of collaboration over catered seafood lunches
- Take away all the guns
- Announce a 12-phase reopening of the economy, starting with the businesses with the best lobbyists
- Begin Phase 1
- Form a new committee to review the effectiveness of Phase 1 before moving on to Phase 2
- Order more drones from China and post them in front of every hair salon
- Draft new legislation to allow voting by show of hands over Facebook live
- Announce reopening of all golf courses in close proximity to the statehouse
- Hold public hearings on the effectiveness of implementation of Phase 1
- Repeat parts 1-15 until all 12 phases are completed
- Form an exploratory committee to research alternate food sources now that catered seafood no longer available
- Draft legislation allowing people to eat squirrels and possums
- Overturn squirrels and possums legislation after animal rights groups protest
- Hire animal rights groups to enforce the overturning of the legislation in order to protect squirrels and possums
- Introduce tax bill to fund arming all police officers with harpoon guns and spears
- Strengthen the security of governors mansion with sniper towers and tiger pits
- …Maybe also a moat around the governor’s mansion
- More drones from China, maybe bigger ones
- Pass new legislation to fund hiring more enforcers to enforce things
- Build checkpoints across the state to distribute milk and guzzoline
- Create jobs by hiring welders to install armor plating on police cars
- (Super-secret surprise to be determined later)
- Open the rest of the economy
- Gladiator games anyone?
Other states have announced they will wait 10-15 years to judge the effectiveness of this 37 part plan before releasing their own plans. The only exception is Texas, whose governor simply said, “We’re open, y’all!”
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