HOW TO DRIVE IN HOUSTON

Article Preface … The Butcher Shop:

The Butcher Shop is comprised of many great writers, composers, journalists, politicians, and contributors. The Butcher was the one and only writer in the beginning and dominated the now defunct Tea Party Tribune. The Trib had rules of engagement that filtered writers. They would publish The Butcher’s articles, but cast a jaundiced eye on such as Crystal Lee Laramore, Doc Green, and even then the venerable George Rodriguez, council to GW. The Butcher originally published under his real name. By and by he got The Trib to accept the moniker Butcher, which morphed into The Butcher Shop, and just like that the Trib began running almost entirely stories from The Butcher Shop, which was comprised of the afore mentioned Motley Crew. Before it was all over we were adopted by the Prophet Roger Landry of The Liberty Beacon Project.

Having said all that, may we introduce Ms Tina Dunham! Butcher Shop writer, and survivor or numerous Texas Hurricanes! Enjoy!

HOW TO DRIVE IN HOUSTON

By: Tina Dunham

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, HOUston. Foreigners are still allowed to call it YOUston

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-45 is 80 mph. On 99 and 59, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered ‘Wussy’.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules. For example, Ferraris and Lamborghinis owned by sports stars go first at a four-way stop. Cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go second. The trucks with the biggest tires go third. The HOV lanes are really designed just for the slow Louisianans passing through who are used to hogging the left lane everywhere.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light or stop sign, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. Unless there is a police car nearby.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting. Generally, city roads other than the main streets have more potholes and bumps (usually speed bumps) than most dirt roads in the countryside.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, ladders, possums, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, furniture, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, and crows.

9. Be aware that spelling of street names may change from block to block. 610 may be South loop west, East loop south etc.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated”.

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 75 in a 55-65 mph zone, k, e.g., you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.

MOST IMPORTANT: If you get LOST, Look for I-45 … Then you are somewhere in Houston.

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