Nausea and Vomiting Pandemic Sweeps the West
By TLB contributor: Steve Cook
Scientists are reporting that the source of the new outbreak that suddenly hit America and Europe yesterday may lie in Washington and London, having been carried there by politicians returning from meetings with their employer, “Emperor” J. Centre Rockabilly III at a location that must remain secret for top level security reasons of not wanting anyone to know where it is.
Symptoms of the epidemic, which went viral on the internet yesterday, include nausea and vomiting and a sense of alienation. Although not reported to be fatal in the strict sense of, say, living near a fracking station, being inoculated or attending a wedding party in the Middle East, the illness has nevertheless swept through the entire population almost overnight, with people who read newspapers or watch TV news bulletins particularly at risk.
The culprit is believed to be the hypocrisy virus transmitted by British and American politicians. The virus is known to breed in unhygienic conditions like high-crime areas such as Capitol Hill, Whitehall and political conferences behind closed doors at which national leaders receive instructions from Bankers, Industrialists, Global financiers and other representatives of the people who run banks, corporations and crime syndicates.
Transmission of the virus is triggered by politicians such as Obama and Cameron sternly warning Russia not to meddle in the internal affairs of other countries, which, as everybody knows, Britain and America have only ever done in rare isolated cases such as Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan, Libya, Iraq, Kosovo, Bosnia, Syria, Cuba, Nicaragua, Phillipines, Albania, Iran, Guatemala, Chile, Venezuela and just a few dozen others – not to mention the present-day Ukraine. It is noticed that such utterances, particularly when delivered with a straight face and high moral tone, can bring about almost instant nausea in anyone within earshot or able to read subtitles.
The European Commission’s website is thought to be another source of contagion of the Hypocrisy Virus, with not even the internet safe from the pandemic. One victim was rushed to hospital upon throwing up at Euston Station after browsing the internet on his i-pad. He told this reporter: “It was like a nightmare. I just read that the EU wishes to see the Ukraine ruled by ‘genuine democracy, free from corruption and with sound public finances.’ Perhaps I was just asking for trouble but I couldn’t help thinking about how the EU is really an unelected form of government that has itself become a byword for corruption, hasn’t had its accounts signed off for 20 years because of their countless irregularities, and has been responsible for indulging in the most obviously unsound currency experiment the world has ever seen. Then it was just a short step to thinking about Guantanamo, the bombing of Libya or the drone strikes against Pakistan and wondering if maybe these also count as meddling in the internal affairs of other countries. I suppose that just sort of broke down my immune system and overcame the usual defenses such as not thinking too much or having any knowledge of recent history. So then I was overcome with a wave of nausea and lost my breakfast right there and then.”
He also reported seeing a lot of other travelers throwing up as well, although ts being Britain a lot of people tried to pretend it wasn’t happening or swallowed their own bile rather than make a scene.
Reaction in America, where people are a lot more forthright – and indeed a lot more miffed with their government – was somewhat different, according to reports, and much of the vomiting was accompanied by emotional crises, gnashing of teeth and the customary mass shootings.
Another British victim with an almost identical experience said: “I just read how Mr. Cameron said everyone ‘must work to lower, not escalate, tensions. The world is watching.’ I was suddenly overwhelmed by a sense that my country is run by self-righteous, hypocritical scumbags, then felt sorry for the Americans because they’ve got it just as bad if not worse. This was followed by a deep sense of shame and then of course the inevitable rainbow yawn.”
Carriers are thought to be numerous among officials of the foreign Office and American State Department. They infect millions of victims but do not manifest the nausea and vomiting aspects of the disease themselves. However, they can be recognized by another set of telltale symptoms such as a tendency to speak from the rectum, a forking of the tongue, absence of a chin or backbone, swelling of the head and bank account and a complete loss of any sense of personal embarrassment.