Maybe the left just needs a cookie
by Michael James
Last week, in an article titled “There Goes Colonel Sanders”, Marc Dion coincidentally wrote about something near and dear to our hearts, food. Mr. Dion is a terrific writer while simultaneously an inferior thinker. His prose is marvelous and convincing; his conclusions thin and seemingly plagiarized from something ugly perched on Long John Silver’s left shoulder.
Speaking of the Confederate Flag, Dion pronounces “In the last few years, that flag has changed from a wink to a snarl, and though I like biscuits and gravy, I’m not nostalgic for the slavery I never saw, or segregation, and I believe the right side won the Civil War.”
This is a consequential style, indeed. In the long run, of course, he is just saying that anyone on the right is a racist white nationalist who is melancholic for an oppression that ended at least ninety years before they were born; but doesn’t he have a magic pen when it comes to embellishing the mundane?
Here’s the zinger at the end, again to exemplify this blotter of writing talent partnered with just a gnat’s heft of ratiocination, “It’s time for Colonel Sanders to stand down because, when a thing is gone, it’s gone with the wind.”
Colonel Sanders owned a gas station and a restaurant — he never owned a slave. Why should he be expunged from the human record?
The left is all in on purging anything that whiffs of the Confederacy. It’s another way to thumb their little noses at the country they live in and hate so much. Their aim is to keep discontent flowing like wine at a biblical wedding. Their little hurts, their sore feelings, their offended sensibilities, that’s all that matters because they don’t want the country to move forward and offer opportunity — especially not while Donald Trump is President.
Someone should inform progressives that the Colonel is long dead, but the chicken is still great. That’s what we are talking about when his name or image comes up; chicken.
Full disclosure: I don’t work for KFC or any of its affiliates. I never have. I have a cousin married to a man who worked for PepsiCo thirty years ago, but he was riffed out; he didn’t drink enough back then.
But that chicken is great. And do you know what? They have a “Five Dollar Fill Up” that comes with a breast, a side of potatoes, a drink, a biscuit, and a… cookie!
The cookie is the linchpin of this ingenious strategy. No one else offers what we really need; a cookie. Shouldn’t the gas station round your corner offer you a cookie every time you purchase anything from them? If the local hardware store gave you a cookie you would feel way better about that 20 dollar braided stainless steel refrigerator icemaker water line you had to purchase so your family wouldn’t be poisoned by the local water supply, wouldn’t you?
So just as the Colonel comes up with a plan that could make all of America smile, Dion and the left want to eradicate, censor, erase, and murder even a trace of Harlan Sanders. This extrapolates into assassinating the cookie, which will consequently ruin America’s chance to be happy.
The Colonel is chicken! We all know what the left is.