By: Steve Cook
We can all relax secure in the knowledge that a well-known philanthropist has come up with a solution to the environmental disaster that looms on account of people breathing.
Gill Bates, founder and chairman of the Microvirus Corporation, is famous the world over for being quite ruthless, brainy and donating lots of money to worthy causes such as “Save the Aged Elitist” and “Eugenics ‘R Us”. Because of this he is also known to be an authority on everything else. He has discovered that the blame for too much carbon dioxide in the atmosphere lies not, as previously thought, with the use by industry of outmoded fossil fuels that emit CO2 by the bucket load but with too many people willfully and irresponsibly being alive and then breathing out.
It is now known, for instance, that a single human breathes out as much CO2 in a single lifetime as an automobile emits every three seconds.
This shocking discovery of course gets industrialists, car manufacturers and people dedicated to turning the Rain Forests into a car park for tanks and missile platforms right off the hook.
One industrialist said: “This is welcome news, a cause for celebration among all of those who have had their basic human right to avoid responsibility for laying waste to the planet unjustly jeopardized. We have claimed all along that the real fault for any problems the planet may be having lies squarely at the door of the billions of people who don’t have a clue as to what is going on.”
Father-of-three Bates, is co-founder along with his wife of the Gill and Vampira Bates Foundation. This philanthropic tax loophole throws money at schemes dedicated to avoiding great evils such as people who cause environmental disasters being blamed for them, sensible solutions that undermine profits or solving humanitarian problems without killing anybody. He is famous for his speech to the AFTG (American Federation for the Terminally Gullible) in which he claimed to have discovered that it is in fact “impossible to solve any problem without killing millions of people who year after year make the mistake of being born in the first place.”
This discovery was enthusiastically embraced by tens of thousands of Americans. Bates’ supporters are known to fall into four categories: (a) rich bankers and industrialists (b) those who are quite enthusiastic about being culled (c) a much larger group who are enthusiastic about other people being culled and (d) homicidal maniacs.
Despite this broad cross-section of support, all factions are united both in their possession of “scant brain cells to rub between them” and their undying admiration for Bates’ ability to speak and act like a lunatic without being locked up.
Many claim that applying the term “culling” to reducing human numbers is a misnomer because being born is seen to be the main problem. In fact being born is actually illegal under Presidential Edict number 677i5437-98769875x and there are moves to reintroduce the death penalty for anyone irresponsible enough to be born without the permission of the Bates-financed HKFSPBB (Henry Kissinger Foundation for Stopping People Being Born).
Experts at the Bates-sponsoredPolPotSchool of Economics have welcomed the recent re-discovery of this legal principle. It fell off the radar around the time of the fall of Nazi Germany, although efforts were made to reintroduce it by the Milosevic regime in Serbia until Milosevic unluckily got convicted of war crimes by a tribunal unfairly rigged in favor of people who don’t like genocide.
Bates came to fame in a classic riches-to-even-more-riches fairy tale. He cleverly built up the Microvirus Corporation backed only by being quite good with computers and questionable business ethics despite humble beginnings as a member of the American aristocracy. He epitomizes all that is good and wholesome in the spectacle of a man with a high IQ and elaborate education tossing away all the advantages attendant thereon and deciding to embrace the social and economic philosophy of the brain dead.
Nevertheless, many people point out that being good at writing computer programmes naturally makes some people (especially Bates) good at everything and wise in all subjects. In any case, when you think about it computer programming is a subject virtually identical to all branches of the humanities on account of people and binary digits being more or less the same thing.
So there you have it, it is pretty much a fact irrevocably proven beyond doubt by Bates scribbling equations on a white board at a seminar hosted by the AFTG. These equations, by virtue of looking quite brainy, show that global warming is poised to turn the Earth’s atmosphere into something resembling the surface of Venus (only hotter) and that the blame for it rests squarely on the shoulders of people who insist on breathing and has “only the slenderest anecdotal connection” with industrialists raping the planet. The latter is now known to be much less harmful than global infestations of humans and other parasites.
Bates’ solution is to inject everybody with life-saving vaccines containing beneficial additives such as Mercury, Strontium 90 and distilled bile of gerbil. He points to the irrefutable logic that if you vaccinate lots of people against disease and thus benignly save their lives, this will automatically reduce the world’s population.
This avowed goal to reduce population numbers by giving people medicine looks set to elevate Bates to sainthood according to the VCWSBS (Vatican Committee for Deciding Who Should be Sanctified – a think tank sponsored by the Gill and Vampira Bates Foundation). Yet detractors who completely fail to enter into the spirit of things – such as small minorities like the five thousand million people who don’t want to die – point to evidence that population reduction may not so much result from the vaccines proofing people against diseases that reduce population numbers but from the fact that the vaccines accidentally and unavoidably contain chemicals that make people ill and/or die and/or become sterile.
Bates ridicules this belief, labeling it akin to Dark Age superstition such as the heresy that the Earth goes round the Sun that all but wrecked the early efforts of the world’s very best people to tell everyone else what to think. “Science has its uses.” he says, “such as making bogus unproven theories sound scientific and thus shutting everybody up but it becomes counter-productive when things like evidence are allowed to get in the way of the progress I’ve already decided is good for everybody else.”
Still others, such as sensible people and those mindlessly devoted to solutions that don’t involve genocide, mischievously seek to undermine Bates’ position that global warming is caused by people breathing out CO2 gas. They point out that (a) CO2 emissions do not account for global warming and (b) there is no such thing as global warming.
In answer to (a) Bates retorts that “Oh yes it does and saying it doesn’t is illegal.” In a statement issued last Wednesday he gave (b) equally short shrift as well. Speaking from the poolside of his luxury fallout shelter he answered accusations that global warming is a myth designed to perpetuate and justify a money spinning con game on a par with the invention of Satan so as to frighten people into emptying their purses into Medieval church coffers.The response stated unequivocally and even nonsensically that: ” . . . global warming is every bit as real as Satan, whom I have met personally and is currently hiding out for security reasons inside the President.”
He then cited as proof three dead polar bears found inside the Arctic Circle and the tendency of penguins to fall over, before referring journalists to expert sources. Among those expert sources he recommended:
- Several thousand scientific papers that nobody can understand and which might just as easily be algorithms for Welsh Rarebit.
- You Tube videos of his various speeches before hysterical audiences of people who quite like the idea of mass suicide.
- Books by Al Gore (83).
- The utterances of the crazed prophet Henry Kissinger (104).
Kissinger – know the world over as the Father of the Smug Bomb and recent winner of the Nobel Peace Prize for Global Anarchy – particularly favours the reduction of the population of every nation except Israel. He puts the ideal population of Earth at 350 million, claiming that this population level, achieved during the reign of the pharaohs, is conclusively and scientifically proven to be the only sustainable population level possible and not a random figure off the top of his head as many suspect.
In fact, researchers have proved that Kissinger may have a point. The suggested ideal population size would enable the planet’s elite to live out their days in comfort, each one resident in a luxurious fortified penthouse served by a small yet sustainable force of 100 slaves. For that reason it has been adjudged a Good Thing and worth millions of people dying for by such experts as Gill Bates and Henry Kissinger as well as being proven by generously endowed scientific foundations such as the SSP (Society for Scientific Prostitution) which work tirelessly to prove “beyond reasonable evidence” that Eugenics is not completely demented.
Still others claim that if people breathing out C02 really are a problem then it might be better to stop wiping out rain forests that breathe it in again or maybe even plant more trees, grow vast fields of hemp and so forth.
In the meantime, others suggest that because a single automobile emits in one day the same amount of C02 as the breathing of 10 000 people, we could maybe – and this is just an optimistic shot in the dark – use alternative fuels to gasoline. Others recommend that it would also be a good idea to manage the affairs of the planet properly as it has been quite a while since sensible management of human affairs has been seen – “quite a while” is generally regarded as meaning “since the beginning of time.”
To this Bates retorts that there is no room in the debate for that kind of extremism and that such measures would interfere with the rights of industrialists to get even richer because there is a “serious economic problem” standing in the way of the human race acting sensibly. The main underlying reason for that insurmountable problem is that a lot of rich people don’t want to surmount it.
Bates has proposed other measures as a stop-gap until beneficial mass extermination gets under way. He recommends a tax on breathing, with everyone fitted with a meter that monitors their CO2 emissions and deducts charges accordingly direct from their bank accounts. The meters can be disguised as interesting hats or miniaturized using the latest nano technology and lodged under their skin alongside the traditional tracking chip that sounds an alarm at the NSA whenever a sperm enters a fallopian tube. Thus people will be taxed according to how much breathing they do, with the really heavy breathers such as joggers, phone perverts and people trying to procreate paying the heaviest tolls.
Bates points at that this will enable all citizens to save money and the planet by holding their breath for long periods.
Steve Cook publishes the satirical blog The Daily Scare http://daily-scare.blogspot.co.uk. His Facebook page is athttps://www.facebook.com/stephencookwriter although you are advised not to visit it as it is very evil.