That Was The Year That Was

Satire by: Bill the Butcher

2022 went out with a bang. Russia tried to send sixty-two bangs to Ukraine last night. Only six went off. I attribute that to Putin buying his fireworks from North Korea so there’s that. Some things never change.

Like it or lump it COVID is over. We’re back to plain ol’ flu. But, look at all we learned in the last three years. We learned how to wash our hands, stay at home, and left to their own devices Mexicans will jump walls, fences, and swim rivers.

And racism is everywhere! Did y’all ever notice Dora the Explorer is a little Mexican kid who seems to always be trying to get across some river? Hey! Apologies to to woke crowd. I’m from Texas!

And the Woke people. Are they implying they been asleep all their lives. I took a woke chick in SoCal out once. Convinced her that the vermouth in a martini neutralized the alcohol. I just love California girls, don’t you?

We can all hope that ’23 will be better than ’22. Hey, just look at it. In ’19 we had a New York Real Estate Broker running the country under the guidance of a mad scientist. We traded that for Mr. Rodgers’s Neighborhood. What could possibly go wrong? Well, for one thing we can now marry a llama. So that’s special. Oh for the days when we were male, female and switch hit. But, you know, you grow.

Of course we had to bid a tearful farewell to a lot of old friends who, to be honest, had been around a tad too long. There’s an adage “I’ve never killed a man, but I’ve read many obituaries with a great deal of satisfaction!” Some we will miss. Jerry Lee Lewis or Little Richard. Ever notice how you miss singers the most? Politicians not so much.

Each generation has to reinvent the wheel. Like discovering Ritz Crackers when you’re five years old and by the time your fifty plain old crackers will do. I had to reinvent family after finding out just because they’re family don’t mean they’re friends. You’d think I would have figured that out after six ex-wives.

There are some who have passed on that I miss. Frank. This guy was from Alaska. You know all that stuff they tell you on YouTube about how you should set up your camp to protect from bears. Well, for one thing, if you’re from The Bronx why are you camping anyway? Go to Jersey and try a different deli! But Frank! This guy was so bad when he set up camp all the bears moved out of the neighborhood. He might be looking for something to eat. They told me he died, but I don’t believe it. He’s in Vegas helping Elvis stage a comeback.

He didn’t rub off on my son, Bill or his wife, but they’re from California so you can clearly see there may be problems there. My daughter in law wants to put me in an old folk’s home and Bill prays I go to hell every day, but they never come around so I don’t worry about them. We all have one in the family, I have two. I’m so blessed.

To date I have not taken any of the 7/11 vaccines being offered. I don’t buy into the many conspiracy theories being offered, my logic is simple. I call it The Dog Test. If my dog gets a rabies shot and then gets rabies I conclude that the shot failed. After decades of flu shots we still have the flu every year, and I’ve yet to see a vaccine for the clap and bad girls are an ever growing plague. Then they tell me that if I take a shot that’s been cleared by five sick rats from Albuquerque I’ll have a sixty-five percent chance of dodging COVID, and if it gets me I MAY live. And I’m the conspiracy nut? And they want me to wear a mask that’s as effective as a screen door in a submarine. I’ll just stay home with some chick that’s had a recent STD test and act like I’m not having a good time!

For every low there is a high. The universe is designed on opposites. Almost as if there was a greater intelligence than us out there somewhere. From 2019 to present we have descended into a deeper and deeper pit. History and common sense tell us things have got to get better. Because it can’t get no worse. May the Flying Spaghetti Monster bless you all in the upcoming year. May you get your heart’s desire, and if you don’t just tell everyone you did and watch your family try to move in with you. Until next time God Bless Elon Musk!