The Enigma That Is Kamala

In an unexpected twist of fate that has left political pundits scratching their heads and reaching for their thesauruses, U.S. vice president Kamala Harris has stumbled into the spotlight for…not knowing what she does.

Yes, you heard it right! In a recent appearance on CBS’s The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, Harris found herself in a pickle, trying to articulate her daily duties like a contestant on a game show where the prize is a lifetime supply of awkward silence.

Emily Compagno, co-host of Fox News’s Outnumbered, jumped at the chance to roast Harris harder than a marshmallow at a summer camp bonfire. She declared that Harris is a “drag” on the administration, which is a bold claim, considering that most people think a drag is just an excellent costume party theme. Compagno suggested that Harris’s responsibilities may include perfecting the art of invisibility, because when defining her role, Harris seemed more elusive than a cat at bathtime.

The Outnumbered panel, notorious for their sharp wit and sharper critique, echoed Compagno’s sentiments. They speculated that Harris might moonlight as a magician, making her duties disappear faster than your motivation to exercise on a Monday morning. Clearly, the vice president’s ability to communicate her responsibilities has become a national mystery, rivaling only the Bermuda Triangle and why we still can’t find a decent parking spot at the mall.

Another Fox News contributor, David Webb, jumped into the fray, implying that Harris’s career has been as remarkable as a beige wall in a poorly lit room. Who knew that the vice presidency could be such a snooze-fest? Webb’s comments have even led to speculation that Harris might be the first vice president to hold a secret identity as a background character in a sitcom — always there but never quite part of the action.

The criticism has sparked a national debate: what exactly does a vice president do anyway? Is it just a glorified title that comes with an extra seat at the table? Perhaps Harris’s daily responsibilities include perfecting her role as the “Vice President of Not Quite Sure,” or maybe she’s just waiting for her real job title to be revealed on the next episode of The Bachelor.

As the criticism rolls in, many Americans wonder if Harris has a secret superpower we’re unaware of — like the ability to make her duties vanish into thin air. Meanwhile, the Biden administration probably wish they had a magic wand to make this situation disappear, too.

Watching Harris talk makes us feel as though she stumbled upon a secret language only she and her hand gestures understand. One moment, she’s delivering what sounds like a TED Talk on “The Importance of Being Unclear,” and the next, she’s conducting an orchestra. You half-expect her to break into a spontaneous interpretive dance about the importance of infrastructure — complete with jazz hands and a dramatic spin that would make any Broadway star jealous. If hand movements were an Olympic sport, she’d bring home the gold while the rest of us are left scratching our heads, wondering if we should be clapping or calling for a translator!

And let’s not even get started on that smile! You know the one — it’s a mix between “I just solved world hunger” and “I have no idea what I’m talking about.” It’s as if her hands are auditioning for a role in a silent film while her words are auditioning for a part in a horror movie. You can almost hear the crowd murmuring, “Is she talking about policy or trying to order a pizza?” Ultimately, her speeches are like abstract art: you can stare at them for hours, trying to find meaning, only to walk away thinking, “Well, I guess I just don’t get it.”

As Vice President Kamala Harris navigates the tricky waters of defining her role, Emily Compagno and her colleagues at Outnumbered serve up commentary hotter than a jalapeño popper at a summer barbecue. So what will happen next in this saga of political ambiguity? Will Harris finally declare her duties, or will she remain the enigma wrapped in a blazer? Only time — and perhaps a few more late-night talk show appearances — will tell!