The US Air Force Says it Could Fight Godzilla


That’s great, but here’s what Democrats would actually do.

by: Robert Laurie

Talk, blame, sanctions, talk, blame.

The newly revamped Godzilla movie, starring Breaking Bad’s Bryan Cranston and Inception’s Ken Watanabe, opens next Friday. So, a week in advance of the film’s theatrical debut, the Smithsonian Air & Space Museum wondered how the real-world Air Force would handle a giant monster lizard scenario. They interviewed a few people and put together this video:

Yeah, OK. We agree. While we would desperately love to see Bruce Lee, The Hulk, and George W. Bush team up against Godzilla, we just didn’t find this all that funny. Even worse, it’s inaccurate.  Democrats are in power, which means that none of these decisive options would be chosen.

Here’s how it would really go:

  • Godzilla rises from the depths, stomps Tokyo, returns to the sea.
  • The next morning, Obama attends a fundraiser in Las Vegas.
  • Jay Carney informs us that the President has been briefed on the situation.
  • That night, Obama meets with his top advisers.  They offer Japan assistance and  assure the American public that “no option is off the table” as they consider the path forward.
  • Three days later our United Nations ambassador appears on the Sunday Morning talk shows and claims that the 1956 Americanized Godzilla movie starring Raymond Burr was racist and is largely to blame for the attacks.
  • Debbie Wasserman Schultz makes the news net rounds, reminding everyone that Godzilla only exists because America created him through environmentally destructive H-bomb testing on the Bikini Atoll.
  • Harry Reid warns that businesses run by the Koch Brothers, the two richest people on the planet, were one of the main factors in Godzilla’s creation. Furthermore, their donations have corrupted the democratic process to such an extent that Republicans refuse to help stop the monster.
  • Godzilla rises from the Atlantic, destroys New York, returns to the ocean.
  • President Barack Obama surveys the destruction with Chris Christie. He announces that he will ask the United Nations to impose “strict” sanctions on Monster Island, just as soon as the UN finds a new building.
  • Debbie Wasserman Schultz appears on MSNBC. She tells everyone that George W Bush took his eye off the “Godzilla ball” for eight years, so he shares in the blame
  • Bill Nye The Science Guy is on CNN 24 hours a day talking about how there’s a general consensus that Godzilla is the product of “climate change.” Hosts wonder if the moster is responsible for the disappearance of flight 370.
  • PETA demands endangered species protections for Godzilla because he’s “one of a kind.”
  • Democrats begin fundraising off of the chaos.  “Tell the GOP and its Tea Party Republican allies that you’ve had enough of Godzilla. Send us $5.00”
  • Godzilla rises off the coast of Florida, destroys Miami, returns to sea.
  • Noting the large number of illegal immigrants who were killed in the Miami attack, Lindsey Graham, Chuck Schumer, John McCain, and Marco Rubio present a comprehensive immigration reform package.
  • Godzilla is silent for several weeks. Obama pivots to the economy, talks about the ongoing recovery, blames Bush, and spends Christmas in Hawaii. The media lauds his steady, unwavering, resolve.
  • Godzilla destroys Los Angeles.
  • Godzilla destroys San Francisco.
  • UN Sanctions are finally approved.
  • Godzilla ignores sanctions, destroys Seattle.
  • Throughout all of this, the GOP leadership complains a lot, but refuses to push their own alternative. Any members who actually suggest legitimate solutions are labeled “wacko birds” and are targeted  for destruction by John Boehner and Mitch McConnell.
  • Having accomplished his goals, Godzilla gets bored and goes home.  Democrats declare victory and look to 2016.

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