Golden Tablets & Other Preposterous Ideas

Golden Tablets & Other Preposterous Ideas

Satire by: Bill the Butcher

Foundational to Mormonism is the tale of the Golden Tablets Joseph Smith was purported to have come upon on the Hill Cumorah near Palmyra, New York as a lad. No golden tablets, no Mormonism. As with all fundamentalist sects the total acceptance of the absurd is foundational to a clear map to the Promised Land, and the Mormons followed that map to a salty lake. Any deviation is dealt with accordingly by the various rules and regulations governing the great beyond. If you can understand all of these various edicts you could probably understand IRS regulations. The one common factor of these two is, like the golden tablets, once found, your money, like the golden tablets, will never be seen again. The government giveth, and the government taketh away. Can I get an “Amen?”

Ascertained by the postal scale Joseph Smith constantly carried in his pocket

Originality, I’d planned part of this article to address the belief in the discovery and continuing heavenly existence of the golden tablets, however I very quickly deduced that this would only result in countless comments arguing that said tablets didn’t weigh one thousand twenty-four pounds, but only one thousand twenty three and a half pounds as ascertained by the postal scale that Joseph Smith constantly carried in his right hip pocket, and said tablets and postal scale are currently safely held in a vault deep within the Wasatch Mountains, deposited there by the Prophet Brigham Young himself. This method of debate rests on the stipulation that should you find but one error in your opponent’s theory then ergo his entire thesis must be flawed by default. Therefore I’m not going there and thereby saving you from all that!

The point of the spear

The tale of the tablets is but the point of the spear I’m trying to thrust into your mind. It is Preposterous. Write that down, as always, there’ll be a quiz later. Remember: If you tell a lie make it a big one and if you tell it often enough it will become accepted truth. Note that I did not say truth, I said accepted truth. You can always connect the dots if you use just the right Sharpie.

But don’t negate preposterous. Americans have built an entire nation on the preposterous as I will demonstrate in this article. Beginning with We hold these truths to be self evident. What truths? The enumerated charges in the Declaration of Independence? And where were the proofs of these truths? Oh yes! They were self evident. In other words what they burned in their crazy minds.

You know the rest

Now, I’m not saying they weren’t good truths. Life, Liberty, and, well, you know the rest. Staying alive is always a big plus, and was a big hit for the BGs back in the day. Liberty, or freedom to Do what thou wilt, a handy mantra used by another wise guru who won immortal fame on the cover of a Beatles album, which brings us lastly to The pursuit of happiness! Not just be happy, but to pursue it! Track it down like a mountain man after beaver pelts. Marry four wives of your choice and slap ‘em up side their head with them golden tablets should they ever try to leave.

And not just any ol’ cracker,

As I’ve pointed out before, these privileges were not passed out indiscriminately. Oh no! You had to be one of the elite. There were rules and regulations. First it is practically mandatory that you were of the Caucasian Persuasion. And not just any ol’ cracker, a Ritz cracker! If you place an Englishman and an Irishman side by side you’d be hard put to tell them apart until they opened their mouths. But for those in the Five Points in the 1840s it was no problem. The ones of English descent called themselves natives and they had any number of names for the Micks getting off the boat from the Old Country, completely ignoring the simple fact that if you didn’t have a feather in your hair you simply weren’t from here.

And these people all huddling on the east coast couldn’t just stay there. Why no! Why hang out in New York City when you can walk a couple thousand miles to the west and settle on someone’s cemetery. Back to golden tablets.

Preposterous beliefs are an American tradition

Preposterous beliefs are an American tradition. Any time a doctor, lawyer, or enterprising Baptist preacher uses four syllable words it invariably leads to a preposterous tradition. Take COVID. . . please! When COVID arrived we had about the immunity the Navajo had for smallpox. And the mortality rate was exceptional. Good job Chang! But, we had a tradition. COVID was a flu and there was a shot for that. Never mind that the shot almost never worked. Then the hospitals filled up and the graveyards filled up and eventually America turned into one great big house party. Whiskey was applied and we were back to the 60s. Tune in, turn on, and drop out!

Before it was done there were no bars, no hospital beds and no schools with the kids being educated by day drinkers which raised the question why have we been paying school taxes all these years? Then came the jab. Praise God we were saved. Can I have another amen? The jab was gonna save us all. Two shots, four boosters, and a partridge in a pear tree, and guess what? If you took all these shots, wore a mask, didn’t attend your mother’s funeral and became celibate, there was about a sixty-four percent chance you’d dodge the Rona at least temporarily, and if it didn’t totally miss you then you’d probably get the kinder, gentler flavor, OMICRON! Bottom line: The jab had almost exactly the results that the former flu shot had on the standard Walmart brand of the virus.

Then came good ol’ American preposterous logic

Then came good ol’ American preposterous logic. —-> Golden Tablets! <—-Y’all was wondering how I was gonna tie all this together, weren’t ya? Could it be surmised, that like the flu shot of old, the COVID vaccine was the same ol’ same ol’. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn’t, but it was far better than a bite in the butt by a bull elephant? Americans don’t think like that. We chose to go to the moon. Remember that? There is no middle ground. All or nothing. Part of the solution or part of the problem You were either vaxed, or unvaxed, and depending on that you were allowed to fly or walk, eat or stay home, go to Walmart or . . . wait. Everybody got to go to Walmart, but you had to use self check out. And COVID was running for office! The Vs and UVs were separated by the Mason Dixon Line. Imagine that! A citizen in New York would take the shot at any CVS while someone from Mississippi would hide his kids, buy ten more guns, and never touch McDonalds again. Save your Confederate money boys!

A government conspiracy to make Burger King convert to veggie burgers

Remember, if you tell a lie long enough . . . And it no longer just imitates the truth, it spawns new truths. Not only is the Jab ineffective, it became accepted that the RONA never existed at all. It was a part of a government conspiracy to make Burger King convert to veggie burgers. And the stores shelves began to get rather bare. That part was real. Shelves were bare. Well, all but the liquor stores. They were doing just fine!

Like a flight over JFK on the day before Thanksgiving

We’ve been in this preposterous holding pattern for a full minute now like a flight over JFK on the day before Thanksgiving. With the religion of Preposterousitity (I just made that up) you depend on the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth which is not just a preposterous idea, it is an impossible scenario. Back to a flawed debate. If but one person died after getting the jab, according to the right, it means the jab is an evil design by Bill Gates to fulfill the Georgia Guidestones. The left? Well, they believe in pregnant men, so there’s that! The point being there’s no middle ground. While scientists and doctors racked their brains trying to understand the Shanghai Virus (Yeah, I really said that) the left took a shot of everything but Jim Beam, and the right put their hopes on horse tranquilizers, one stomp for children, two for adults. Talk about golden tablets. Give me a fork, and show me the barn! And everyone started looking at Fauci with a jaundiced eye, but the FDA had an approved eye drop for that, too!

One toke over the line

But preposterous is not the terminal flaw you may think, it is a way of life. Americans don’t ignore they imagine. From sea to shining sea it’s been full dream ahead for well over two hundred years. From two guys in a garage in Cupertino to one hundred eighty-six in a beat up old church in Texas challenging the best army in the Western Hemisphere! Forget the old country ideas, California is up, and to the left, and let everyone on the planet get mad while they swim rivers, ride on the landing gears of airplanes, and wait on Ellis Island just to be a part of the preposterous. We will slap you ‘cross yo’ head with them golden tablets. We still got them, you know, and we still have a government of the people, by the people, and for the people. And, to the chagrin of those that who didn’t buy a ticket for the initial boat ride back in 1620, America is and always has been … One Toke Over the Line!


Bill the Butcher is one of the founders of The Butcher Shop and the author of thousands of songs, articles, and five books who currently holds the title of The Best Kept Secret in Texas



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