Stand By For News!
Satire by: Bill The Butcher
Every day I get up and scan the news, I don’t know why. I stand back in snake amazement as I see these giants of the Main Stream Media regurgitate the same ol’ same ol’, and the hungry masses, yearning to be free lap it up like a bunch of stray mutts in a dog pound. God Bless ‘Murica! So, in accordance with equal time I am going to take the time to add my commentary to a few of these epic words in an effort to bring clarity to a smoke filled room. So I just went to the actual headlines for today. You can’t make this up, folks. Stand by for news!
Hurricane Ian Slams South Carolina After Battering Florida
Surprise, surprise! Hurricanes blow crap down. There are certain standards of the industry that always pop up when the south wind blows, such as the apprentice reporter they always send out to lean into the wind at the appropriate forty-five degree angle. They never send a lady reporter for this because it would blow her dress up around her neck, thereby answering the gender questions we’ve all been puzzled about since the Supreme Court decided to rearrange the restrooms for us. And let us not forget the image of the reporter talking into a mic with a condom stretched over it, but that’s all I’m gonna say about that!
Encirclement of Russian force in Ukraine overshadows Putin’s annexation
Imagine, if you will, Richard Simmons being in a match with Hulk Hogan and Hogan taps out. I give you . . . the Russia-Ukrainian War! Vlad (The Impaler) Putin goes charging off to beat up this country about the size off Jeff Davis County, Texas to impress the folks back home. I don’t know why he needed that. I mean it ain’t like he’s got to win an election or anything. Anyway his intelligence people didn’t pick up that the Ukraine was one great big meth lab under the stewardship of Hunter Biden. When Putin came riding in on his horse with his shirt off the Ukrainians saw it as a gang war with the Russians trying to take over their turf. Within a month they’d stolen all the Russian tanks and were riding dirty. Now this was far beyond the Main Steam News, who had sucked the pandemic dry, and were feverishly looking for another story to fill the void. Ever notice there doesn’t seem to be any COVID in Ukraine? Forget Ivermectin! Crystal! Fifty million meth heads can’t be wrong!
Climate change has come for the world’s largest greenhouse gas emitter
Once upon a time there was these squatty little people called Neanderthals. They lived up around what is now known as Europe during the Ice Age, so named because there was ice everywhere. Now I’m not saying that they were slow witted, let’s just say that they couldn’t run very fast with their knuckles dragging the ground. I can only assume that their women looked a lot like them, and what with no conditioner or sanitary napkins I would not want to be in the county jail with anyone who could get it on with women of that girth. Enter some folks from Africa who looked a lot like Snoop Dog who were able to find their way to London after the glaciers melted. Please note the word “melted!” Global Warming 1.0. In short order they ran off the Neanderthals and become the bunch of Crackers we now call Europeans. The Neanderthals? They all went to Russia and started riding horses with their shirts off. Come forward thirty or forty thousand years, get a hot summer, add in a dash of Greta Thunberg and voila! It’s the end of the world. Well, it’s really not, but it sure does sell a lot of newspapers. They tell us that next summer will be 1.5 degrees hotter than last summer so there’s that. Hey, they turned the common cold into the bat flu, didn’t they? You can’t deny science!
Donald Trump even more bigoted than previously thought!
And last, but not least, it has been discovered that a New York Real Estate Broker is a tick turd! This is my surprised face. If you call a woman a whore that’s bad, but if you call her a New York Whore it becomes a whole new level of whoreism! Same with a New York Real Estate Broker. And wouldn’t you know it, some woke reporter deduced that spoiled billionaires don’t think much of anyone darker than them. I mean look at Trump’s daughter. The one with the Russian name. She’s so white that she had to marry a guy paler than her! And y’all are wondering why The Donald chases them Meskins back over the border. You’d be hard pressed to say he is more bigoted that you thought he was. So here comes the midterm and he’s gonna make America great again. Let’s hear it for Richard Simmons!
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