Satire by TLB Contributor: Jock Doubleday
Yes! Celebrities will have their own FEMA camp.
The beautiful island of Maui
The location of Camp Glitter is presently secret — the U.S. government does not want fans storming the camp to meet celebrities. 🙂
But rest assured that, wherever Camp Glitter is actually located, your favorite celebrities will have a good view of the ocean!
A view similar to the view from Camp Glitter
Which of my favorite celebrities will be imprisoned at Camp Glitter?
The great majority of your favorite celebrities will be imprisoned at Camp Glitter until the bankers‘ apocalyse has climaxed.
These celebrities include, but are not limited to:
Adam Sandler, Alec Baldwin, Amy Poehler, Angelina Jolie, Ashton Kutcher, Ben Affleck, Beyonce Knowles, Bon Jovi, Cameron Diaz, Charlize Theron, David Beckham, David Letterman, Donald Trump, Dr. Dre, Dr. Phil, Emma Stone, George Lopez, J.K. Rowling, Jay-Z, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lopez, Jerry Seinfeld, Joan Rivers, Jude Law, Justin Bieber, Kanye West, Kate Winslet, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, Kobe Bryant, Lady Gaga, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lorde, Louis C.K., Madonna, Mark Wahlberg, Meryl Streep, Mila Kunis, Oprah Winfrey, Rihanna, Ryan Seacrest, Sandra Bullock, Seth MacFarlane, Taylor Swift, Tiger Woods, Tina Fey, Tyler Perry, Will Smith, and Zooey Deschanel.
Will Robert Downey, Jr. be imprisoned at Camp Glitter?
Robert Downey, Jr. is not a celebrity. He is a god.
Robert Downey, Jr.
Will Maria Sharapova be imprisoned at Camp Glitter?
No. There is a tennis court at Camp Glitter, but it is not regulation-sized, and Ms. Sharapova absolutely cannot play on it.
Besides, Ms. Sharapova is a Russian citizen, and the U.S. government has stated that, in the unfortunate event that Ms. Sharapova is “affectionately handled” by FEMA guards, “we don’t want Russia breathing down our necks. Obviously it’s fine with us if FEMA guards affectionately handle Oprah or J.K. Rowling or Kanye West or Jennifer Aniston, or any other U.S. or British citizen.”
Will celebrities be allowed to continue to “act a fool” at Camp Glitter?
Yes. Celebrity antics will be encouraged at Camp Glitter, and those antics will be live-streamed to all other U.S. FEMA camps.
Photo by Christopher Polk, Getty Images.
Non-celebrity FEMA camp residents will need to be entertained while they are separated from their spouses — and from their children, who will be taken away to be “managed” by warm-hearted, child-friendly CPS employees — and while parents and children alike are force-vaccinated for research purposes.
Hey, after 217 years in which there never been a single long-term controlled study on any vaccine, it’s time to show how great vaccines are! Non-celebrity FEMA camp “volunteers” will make the perfect participants in studies conducted by benevolent pharmaceutical companies.
Will celebrities at Camp Glitter also be force-vaccinated?
No. Only non-celebrities will be force-vaccinated. Celebrities at Camp Glitter will be allowed to choose which, if any, vaccines they desire. Celebrities will even be allowed to order customized vaccines, in the same way they ordered a half-cooled double cinnamon pumpkin-spice latte when they were free.
Kate Winslet with her chosen hot morning beverage
Celebrities will be able to choose which of the following vaccine ingredients they enjoy most:
sodium ethylmercurithiosalicylate (or thimerosal, a mercury derivative)
phenol (a disinfectant dye)
formaldehyde (a preservative and disinfectant. Formaldehyde is an EDF recognized carcinogen, a suspected gastrointestinal and/or liver toxicant, immunotoxicant, neurotoxicant, reproductive toxicant, respiratory toxicant, and skin /sense organ toxicant. Formaldehyde is “more hazardous than most chemicals in 5 out of 12 ranking systems.” It is on at least 8 federal regulatory lists. It is ranked as “one of the most hazardous compounds (worst 10%) to ecosystems and human health.” Formadehyde is one of the most toxic substances known to humankind.)
freeze-dried polysaccharide antigens (from Neisseria meningitidis)
human serum albumin
washed sheep red blood cells
porcine (pig) pancreatic hydrolysate of casein
embryonic fluid (chicken egg)
hydrolyzed gelatin (calf and cattle skins, cattle bones and pork skin)
fetal bovine serum
fetal rhesus diploid cells (FRhL-2 cell line)
African green monkey kidney heteroploid cells (Vero cell line)
and human diploid cells (human aborted fetal tissue)
Due to the proximity of Maui to Japan, will celebrities at Camp Glitter be exposed to excessive amounts of radiation from the Fukushima nuclear power plants damaged on March 11, 2011?
Please define “excessive”!
Celebrities are America’s top priority, and fans can be assured that they will be well taken care of at Camp Glitter!!