Ya Ta Hey J. Edgar!
Satire by: Bill the Butcher
Remember when the FBI took down John Dillinger? Well, of course you don’t! But, legend has it that several “G-Men took out the bank robber as he strolled out of a movie with a couple of his ho’s. J Edgar made a lot of hay with that. From there the bureau polished its sterling image through the years as the foremost law enforcement agency in the world. With huge fingerprint files, crack investigators, and one hell of an office building in DC, it became a criminal mark of excellence to be included on their top ten hit parade. God bless ‘Murrica!
For me their image began to tarnish a tad when that Tennessee teacher took off with his fifteen year old student girlfriend, and partied all the way across the country as the Feds ran in circles and talked into their sleeves. Y’all remember that. Ended up in California where teachers date their students a lot, and a local sheriff with some old hippie for back up snagged the dirty old man when he stepped out for a pee. Look it up. Fact check me. Big office building didn’t help much that day, huh?
And now we are entertained by the latest adventure of the finest of the law enforcement community with the Raid on Mar-a-Lago! Charging in screaming “Show me your cocktail glasses” rummaging through everything from Melania’s jee jaws to the refrigerator for Top Secret donuts they finally seized upon items that they said threatened the security of the United States, revealed heretofore unknown secrets of said National Security, and revealed that Marilyn Monroe was really having an affair with Jackie! Oh, and they come up with a bunch of top secret documents which they then spread all over the floor and took pictures for the Killeen Daily Herald and anyone else with an inquiring mind to prove Donald Trump was laundering information to Putin.
Now, let me ask you. If these Jack-a-Lopes can raid a former president’s toilet, do you think that it might be possible that they stuffed a few ballot boxes somewhere along the way? Asking for a friend. But, I hear, “Oh, Bill! You don’t understand! There was nuclear codes in that there bathroom!” Please don’t tell me they use the same code from president to president. Please tell me they are more careful about their passwords than a thirteen year old TikTok star. Please tell me that. Wait! They couldn’t catch that fifteen year old girl in California, so there’s that.
This is the same Justice Department that is heading up the fall of the Capitol investigation on January 6th, after having been taken over by that guy with Sitting Bull’s headdress on. Ya Ta Hey J Edgar! These are the same goofs who gave machine guns to El Chappo to see if he’d use them, and these are the same guys who were looking for Bonnie and Clyde on a beach in Galveston. You can’t make this up!
And redacted? Whenever you hear that word it just means they ain’t gonna tell ya! I wish I could do that with some of my divorce settlements. And everything is a secret when it comes to the government. Ever think about that? Never mind the KGB knows what they had for breakfast, and they know about the Russian secret guys too. They probably trade Christmas cards. But they don’t tell US! We The People are the odd men (And women) out! Their current reason is to protect informants. You know, snitches get ditches. What this says is that your “Of the People” government is a secret society located inside the Beltway and you ain’t part of it!
This is why they can have armed guards when they appear in public, but they want to fix it to where you can’t carry a slingshot in your pocket to go into a convenience store after dark. This is why your son is doing ten years for a joint, but Hunter Biden can smoke meth on Facebook, and this is why Hillary can have thirty-five thousand emails on her servers at home containing all kinds of “Top Secrets,” but they will arrest you for being in the Navy and sending a picture to your mother that contains part of a dial at your work station. And that’s why it was so important to raid Trump’s house, because We the People were getting tired of being told to eat cake!
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