by Steve Cook
A jubilant Boris Johnson posting on his official Facebook page, “BJ Fawning Sycophants”, today sent the world reeling and gasping with indifference when he announced the discovery by scientists that he and his government, affectionately known by the British people and other dissident movements as “The Gang of Loons”, are really brilliant and not at all demented after all.
The discovery surprised most people and shook the very foundations of scientific thought in that it had been the commonly held belief that Johnson, Hancock and Co were escaped mental patients – a suspicion evinced by, among other things, the fact that they spend their days surrounded by psychiatrists and psychologists.
These shock discoveries were made by secret government scientists whose identities, qualifications and evidence must remain secret for security reasons but who work for equally secret advisory committees attached to SAGE, such as the Government Organisation for Better Secrecy in Handling Information, Thought and Education (GOBSHITE) and the Special Health and Freedom Taskforce Elite Directorate (SHAFTED) leaving no truth unturned in the search for science the length and breadth of the Cabinet Office.
The aforementioned gang of loons are believed to be more smug than usual at this latest boost to their flagging War on Reality. An animated Prime Minister, famous the length and breadth of the planet for his wild hair and unkempt integrity told a hushed and largely servile press corp (the so-called “Nodding Donkeys”) this morning that,
“The science is now settled in the best traditions of science laid down in the Middle Ages by such scientific luminaries as Torquemada and Pope Maniac IV. We owe our sincere thanks to the secret science of the best and most secret scientists money can buy and similar imaginary friends on whose word I have being hanging these past months as a far more workable alternative to rational thought, which, government psychiatrists tell me, I am not very good at and which is not all it is cracked up to be in any case. Trust me, these people know what they are talking about, although their science is too brainy for thickos like the British people to deal with – after all I have been informed that millions of people did not even go to Eton! Anyway, it is now proven beyond reasonable thought that I am not the feckless con man I appear to be and neither is my esteemed colleague, Hatt Mancock as rubbish as he looks. This is a great day for Britain – well, for me anyway, which amounts to the same thing.”
Detractors, however, were quick to point out that these conclusions, like almost everything else the government says and does, fly in the face of observable reality.
However, the mathematician, Professor Fergie McDunce was able to do complex top secret sums that predict that a wave of sheer brilliance emanating from its Downing Street Epicentre will poleaxe the entire country in a timely intervention just before life becomes worth living again.
And the Chief Medical Officer was quick to dismiss the detractors as a few million conspiracy theorists with the irrefutable argument that,
” The secret evidence proves that the detractors are just a few million conspiracy theorists conspiring against the government’s inalienable right to enrich its pals.”
Johnson meanwhile responded with:
“The problem with evidence is that you can use it to prove anything, especially the truth and it is my job to keep the nation safe from the spread of such viruses at all costs, no matter what the sacrifices required, especially yours.”
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