by Steve Cook
In what has been described as a massive u-turn in its War on Democracy the government has announced proposals to give every citizen the opportunity to have a Covid 19 Variant named after them.
Speaking from a sterile bunker under the Cabinet Office, the Minister for Hysteria, Jane Fibbs explained that,
“It is now well established that viruses mutate slightly about once every five minutes, producing nearly identical variants in such profusion it is hard to keep thinking up names for them. This is just the sort of sneaky trick we expect of viruses . . . “
She went on to explain that the Covid 19 virus is no exception, with variants appearing so fast as to terrify the government into:
- introducing a dictatorship. It is by now scientifically proven beyond reasonable thought that totalitarian regimes (eg Australia) are germ free and can perhaps remain so as long as their citizenry remain under house arrest – albeit scientists admit some totalitarian regimes are an exception to that rule (China, France, Canada) with people being under house arrest AND being told to be ill.
- engaging in a crash research program in an urgent drive to find ways to tell the variants apart. This has been further hampered by the fact that nobody has yet managed to isolate or map the genetic code of the SARS2-Cov virus so as to establish what the variants are variants OF exactly. Government scientists are however confident the virus will be isolated before everybody’s dead.
- working flat out to think up names for the variants and then announcing them to the public in hourly government broadcasts in which the Health Secretary breaks into a cold sweat trying to suppress laughter.
We have of course seen the Kent variant, Yorkshire Variant, Indian Variant, Mexican Variant and so on until the government soon ran out of countries, counties, regions, post codes – such as this morning’s RH19 Variant (5.43 am to 5:47pm) and the stubbornly persistent LN6 Variant (5:47 to 6:03) – and ethnic minorities to name variants after.
The last variant to be named after a country (Lesotho) appeared yesterday at 10.47 pm and was then succeeded a couple of minutes later by the first of a series of variants named after celebrities, so at 1:00pm the Spice Girls Variant was announced with the usual fanfare and was followed at 1:03 by the Andrew LLoyd Weber Variant, the Simon Cowell Variant, Charley Chaplin Variant and so forth until all celebrity names were exhausted by breakfast time.
The government however is taking firm steps to handle the dangerously low stocks of names, the so called VNC (Variant Name Crisis) by giving British citizens the opportunity to have variants named after them.
Part of what has been described as a “titanic raft of ambitious new measures” the scheme means that for a small fee of 500GBP you will be able to become the proud owner of a variant bearing your name. Thus your name will be immortalised by its association with something that has (allegedly) made more people sick than you have.
For the time being, this opportunity will be restricted only to applicants with scary-sounding surnames that align with the pandemic’s core advertising message, giving rise to such epithets as the Fear Variant, the De’Ath Variant, the Lurkin Variant, the Dark Variant, the Kill Variant, the Smellie Variant, Sneaks Variant etc.
Suitably sinister or unpleasant surnames will run out by 6pm tomorrow according to the mathematical models of Imperial College’s Neil Ferguson. He has predicted that a Variant Name Apocalypse will strike the country with “millions of anonymous variants” roaming the land in a desperate but ultimately futile search for a press mention. When that happens, the government proposes to throw open this unique opportunity to any citizen or illegal immigrant with a surname and five hundred quid to donate to the gov’s Help a Needy Newspaper Benevolent Fund.
This writer has already filled in the online form (at http://www.name-your-variant.shit) and excitedly awaits the reign of terror (3:34 to 3:38am next Thursday) of the sinister and extremely scary Steve Cook Variant.
Although identical to every other variant such as colds and flu and distinguished mainly by its name, The Steve Cook Variant, like the Pete Tomkins Variant before it and the Elsie Carruthers variant before that, is predicted to strike down billions of people across Sussex with no symptoms, placing them in danger of not even knowing they were ill before they recover.
Such an eventuality is, of course, unthinkable so we are advised by the government to not think about it – or indeed anything at all, preferably.
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