Glaciers Great & Small
Satire by: Bill the Butcher
As the world spins out of control conspiracy theories have taken on new life. Old school theories involved things, that while interesting, didn’t really affect the price of a cup of coffee, but now we have Starbucks! Back in the day there were scores of books counting shooters on the grassy knoll, but let’s be honest, Kennedy was already dead! The new improved conspiracy theory will kill you right now!
Conspiracy speaking, these ideas come in many flavors. Those that have a seemingly sound basis all the way up to outhouse crazy. The more mundane run along the lines of things we find in our water. If you’ve ever had lunch in Florence, Texas you understand that there are a lot of things in the water. That is opposed to trying to making iced tea in Flint, Michigan. For my way of thinking anyone living in a town called Flint is not taking in all the ramifications, but that’s just me.
Then you get the biggies. Global warming. I grew up in Texas. In the late 1800s there was an ad in northern papers, Your Wife Will Love The Warm Weather! What they missed was the time worn Texas saying Texas is heaven for men and boys but hell for women. It all boils down to your point of view. During my youth I watched droves of northerners come down in the spring only to be snake amazed in August when they had lunch on the River Walk in San Antonio (Something no Texan in their right mind would ever do!) And, as luck would have it, some enterprising meteorologists came up with a term . . . Global Warming!
Well, yeah! How do you think skinny black guys from Africa ended up in Europe? Well, they walked, that’s a given, but they didn’t have to walk over glaciers. Then they chased off the Neanderthals who probably moved to Russia.
The point I’m making is there has always been Global Warming, broken up by an occasional ice age. And there’s nothing we can do about it. Oh, it’s fashionable to blame it on cow flatulence, but, like I said, I’m from Texas. I’ve smelled a cow fart! Global Warming is a natural occurrence. The earth wobbles! It’s fat around the middle. And man has absolutely nothing to do with it. Neither can he change it no matter what AOC tells you. If Global Warming burns us out we’ll just have to join the ranks of that other ninety-nine percent of species that didn’t make it either. Just as the Prophet George Carlin said The earth is fine . . . we’re messed up!
So, as London enjoys it’s one hundred six degree afternoon let’s look at yet another idea that permeates the social consciousness. Viruses! Viruses have been with us since the dawn of time. We have DNA, they have DNA and depending upon circumstances the two will merge. Most times this marriage is harmless. Viruses are sloppy. Remember that. There’ll be a quiz later. A virus infects a host and right away tries to mutate. Like an unemployed brother in law. It might get it right once in a thousand tries, but sometimes R2D2 knocks one out of the park. Ergo COVID-19!
Now, I’m not casting aspersions on famous viruses of the past, but The Rona takes its place in the annals of history as being the first virus that got more press than The Beatles. And we blamed it on the Chinese! I’m not saying the Chinese aren’t clever, I mean they invented firecrackers, but don’t give them more credit where credit is not due. When I think of Chinese I think of Chop Suey, but let us not forget that these folks eat bats, too.
There were messing around with viruses but they didn’t sic it on the world in a plan for world domination. If you wanna kill a Chinaman just give him a cold and call it SARS. No, I think Won Hun Lo went to lunch in Wuhan from the lab, left the door open, and the wrong dogs came home. The virus ate their lunch! And, as they say, the rest is history.
Lock up, mask up, and screw up. COVID-19 became the first virus to run for political office. Put Joe Biden in office didn’t it? Made Putin get a forty foot conference table so his advisors could sit just out of pistol range, and almost bankrupted NetFlix.
And, as we sprayed down our bottle of Jim Beam with hydrogen peroxide the great medical minds announced that it wasn’t over yet. There was COVID 2.0, 5.2.3 and more. They finally had to name the latest variant after a video game; OMICRON! In the end it got so silly they just looked at the populace and named it after us . . . MONKEYPox! And it’s primarily transmitted during sex by, now wait for it, GAYS! We got The Clap!
I’m not gonna give you a complete list of conspiracy ideas here, as President Biden is so fond of saying, “You know the rest.” What I am going to leave you with is a simple prayer:
Lord, let me change what I can, accept what I can’t, and know the difference.
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