By TLB contributor: Steve Cook
Reports are just coming in that a man has been found in Brazil who has not been spied on by the NSA.
The scientific community is said to be reeling in shock at the discovery. Thought to be the most amazing revelation since as long ago as last Thursday, news that the existence of Amazonian a tribal leader named Ktesippemay was hitherto unsuspected by the NSA may force us to re-evaluate everything we have been told we know about human history.
It is a revelation on a par with last month’s announcement that researchers have discovered the so-called “Microsoft” hieroglyph on a stele deep under the base of the Great Pyramid at Giza or the earlier photo released by NASA of an abandoned Tesco trolley in the Sea of Tranquillity on the Moon.
The shocking news seems intended to undermine the NSA’s unrivalled reputation for thoroughness in harvesting information vital to the insecurity of the entire planet. This was according to Janet Gaff-Smother of the Department of Hysteria at a recent briefing on why we should all be terrified of men with beards. “It is simply unacceptable that irresponsible people should be seeking to undermine the morale of the most beloved and patriotic humanitarian organisation in the world by telling people what is going on.” she said.
Knowing whenever anyone in any hotbed of sedition, such as the Northern Hemisphere, Southern Hemisphere or Milwaukee, eats Brussels Sprouts or buys a kebab has been scientifically proven to be beneficial to people whose identity cannot be revealed for security reasons. To that end the NSA has developed the so-called “Paranoid Algorithm”, which can detect whenever anyone in the world is lurking suspiciously in their kitchen and immediately identify the guilty party whenever someone breaks wind in a crowded elevator or rickshaw. It also counts each day the total number of people in the world and detects whenever anyone is missing.
But is this news of the existence of someone invisible to radar just scare-mongering fabricated by terrorist groups like the IRA, IRS or CNN? Are they seeking to undermine the NSA’s pride at having surpassed their mentors in the Stasi or KGB? There was only one way to find out and in the hope of meeting the legendary Ktesippemay, this reporter rushed to the darkest depths of the Amazon Rainforest, to a village in Rondônia whose name must also be withheld for security reasons.
After a five-day trek through the jungle equipped only with a hovercraft, a Black and Decker strimmer and an ipod, I made my way to a village so remote you cannot even find it on Googlemaps or the A-Z of the Rainforest (2010 edition).
At the end of my journey I came upon a settlement almost completely isolated from civilisation, a huddle of mud huts with stone tools and vintage-1990s surveillance cameras. Yet remarkably, the tiny village manages to survive without modern medicine, vitamin deficiencies or juvenile delinquency, something thought impossible by multinational corporations everywhere.
It was there that I did indeed meet the legendary Ktesippemay and can confirm that he does exist. He is also well miffed.
Indeed, he is close to being traumatised by the experience of being the only man on Earth overlooked by the NSA. He explained that: “Along with everybody else I went through life with the feeling I am being watched. I just thought we were all paranoid but then it turned out it was just me and everybody else was absolutely right and not paranoid at all! Can you imagine how left out, lonely and unimportant that makes me feel? I mean, I have rights too so I demand that the NSA gets its act together and at least has me followed around by the occasional drone!”
Thought to be suffering from a rare psychiatric disorder known as SODS (Spied-on Deficiency Syndrome) the symptoms of which include being undetectable to spy satellites and not having a Facebook account, an angry Ktesippemay expressed his intention to call Barak Obama and subject him to verbal abuse until fobbed off by the traditional platitudes and fibs. Quoting the words of the philosopher J E Hoover “I exist therefore I’m in an algorithm” and clearly hurt by being ignored, he stated that he fully intends to express his outrage as soon as the village has access to the “magic tellingbone”, his word for the ipods, ipads and p-pods all westerners use as a substitute for social interaction.
He explained that, as the Head Man of his tribe, he demands to be treated with the same disrespect as national leaders across the world. Without it, he finds it difficult if not impossible to hold his head high among his people or at the up-coming global bankruptcy hearings at which tribal leaders from around the globe will assemble to bow before the CEO of Monsanto as they beg for the right to grow vegetables.
Mr Ktesippemay explained that all this seriously undermines his credibility in so far as the oversight makes him look like a “total shmuk” (loosely translated from the local Maxakalían dialect) and he cannot hope to maintain the respect of his people without the customary mud hut bugging, sub-dermal implant, gaps in his memory or the presence of a fashionable barcode tattoo just under the hair line.
An ashen-faced spokesperson for the NSA, Janet Leak-Smother, issued a statement saying the Agency was at a loss to explain the oversight, especially as every care was taken to be thorough and “leave no human right unturned” in the admittedly pointless quest for eternal dominion over the Earth.
With NSA agents now outnumbering the global population by a ratio of almost two to one, questions are being asked on Capitol Hill as to whether some of the 16 trillion dollar monthly NSA budget may have been frittered away on not reporting to the President what someone is doing.
The President is thought to have reacted furiously when he was told that someone was walking around without his knowledge and his security staff are worried that an unwatched Mr Ktesippemay could at any moment and without warning have chucked a spear through the living room window of the Whitehouse.
The NSA meanwhile is at pains to reassure the public that despite this remarkable lapse in vigilance, its efforts to have the movements or non-movements of everyone monitored by nerds in Washington have produced a “rich harvest of intelligence information”. That rich harvest includes thorough minute-by-minute updates on who has run out of toilet paper or the latest trends in people sitting down. It has also been a boon to the entertainment industry, a fact underscored by the latest series of Big Brother in which a select group of 300 million Americans are watched by an audience of Homeland Security experts.
NSA supporters (Harvey and Dora Loon of Arkansas) cite in support of the NSA’s efforts the discovery, after many years of dedicated effort, of the remarkable fact that most of the world’s population does not, for some reason, like the American government.
This astoundingly truculent attitude prevails despite its strenuous efforts to be really popular through high-explosive aid shipments, teaching world leaders how to sing from the same song sheet, vastly expanding the car parking space in cities across the Middle East, deposing despots installed by the CIA and many other humanitarian efforts.
To allay fears that their government has become completely demented, the President was quick to reassure Americans that there was no way the government planned to abuse their rights as it carried out the spying operations it last week reassured people it wasn’t doing.
Steve Cook is the author of several works of fiction and non-fiction. He publishes the world’s most evil blog (http://www.stevecookwriter.co.uk/) and the free online newspaper The Daily Scare (http://daily-scare.blogspot.co.uk/). Find him onb FDacebook at https://www.facebook.com/stephencookwriter