by Steve Cook
“If we factor in these other, non-statistical . . . er, factors, then the false statistics statistic would be out of the roof if they counted as statistics which of course they don’t, so it isn’t.”
The record-breaking surge has been put down to the opportunities and indeed imperatives presented by the Coronavirus Pandemic, which is now known to have come about as the result of a sporting bazillion-dollar wager between Dennis Toshchild and fellow psychanthropist Chuck Rockecenter as to whether humanity could be destroyed by fibbing.
The fibbing, as people with a brain are by now well aware (as opposed to those without one who aren’t) involved the deployment of massive stockpiles of made-up statistics and injecting them directly into the brains of millions of human livestock so as to immunise them against rational thought and other impediments to global dominion.
Thus, for months the OFS has been in overdrive churning out payloads of false stats, surpassing even those concerning employment or crime. It was an operation that might have proven beyond even its copious resources had not Professor Neale Fergettem chipped in with his own mathematically considerable reserves.
Dennis Toshchild – who stands to win his wager if twenty million Brits are voluntarily microchipped by Christmas in the belief that they will never ever die until they are good and ready (which will be, like, never) – said today of OFS’ Minister, Joe Fibbs,
“I congratulate Mr Fibbs for the heroic efforts of the OFS in this time of crisis when a shortage of false statistics threatened the very future of the world as we know it. In honour of his contribution I am pleased to award him a room (with ensuite bathroom) in my luxury fallout complex under the Mojave desert where he and his wife will be able to see out the apocalypse in comfort. I am also pleased to confirm that Mr Fibbs has no connection to Jeffrey Epstein and the videos in my possession are purely circumstantial.”
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