Russia Has Never & Will Never Win a War

Russia Has Never & Will Never Win a War

Poli-tickle thoughts by Woodward & Witt

The image of Russia being a world power has been effectively unmasked in the last eleven months by its incursion into Ukraine. In the beginning it was generally understood that Russia would make short work of the small appendix to the south, but as time marched on, and I use that term lightly, and seized lands were regained, it became apparent that something was frightfully wrong ie the Russians were fighting “Last Years War” in the TikTok generation which led to the Ukrainians selling most of Russia’s tanks for scrap. Then they went into crises mode threatened World War III to which the European Union went plumb Nike with “Just Do It!” The logic was simple. Nothing else in the Russian war chest seemed to work, maybe a short nuclear war would eradicate this blight on humanity once and for all. So Russia cut off European gas to which Europe just cuddled up and rode it out. Then, in a brilliant stroke, Putin decided to turn the gas on again seeing that cutting a major source of income had led to him having to buy bullets from North Korea . . . On Credit. This made perfect sense because of late the Ruble ranks somewhere under the Mexican Peso, and internationally that’s a whole new level of screwed. Try to buy a beer in Nuevo Laredo with a Peso! Well now hand that bartender a Ruble and see how that works out for you!

Now Ukraine is firing missiles deep into Russia. What’s next? The Kremlin? I can already hear the more elite out there taking apart my approach, but in the words of the Prophet, Little Richard, “Shad-UP!” As I dig into Russian history I discovered a comedy of errors that was beyond belief. Take the title of this article for instance. Now, of course the experts will throw WWII at me, but consider this: If Adolf the Great hadn’t had to worry about the likes of Patton, Montgomery, Eisenhower and a slew of others just how far do you think Stalin would have gotten in his defense of the Motherland? If Hitler had just considered the conquest of Western Russia a win, and forgot Siberia, would there even be a Russia today? And I’m not talking about the bogus website!

Putin the Great?

As I totaled up the whole of Russian victories the only conclusive battle was against an old man, his sick wife, a hemophiliac kid and four teenage girls that Rasputin had been seeing on the side in a basement back in July of 1918. So there’s that! And even then they lost two of the bodies because on the way to the dump they called it vodka:30. and took off to get drunk. Even the Mafia hid Hoffa! I hang out with some high brow folks who’ll take this article apart, but like I said, read and learn. Do I have to tell you people everything? I’m just a drunken guitar player from Austin and I see through this crap.

Russia is one big public relations catastrophe! Where’s John Lennon when we need him? With Hollywood style long red carpets, and soldiers dressed like The Swiss Guard sans Pope the image is imposing, but after this latest escapade not so much. They’re still goose stepping for God’s sake. Again I must remind you that Russia losing to Ukraine is like the US losing a war to Colorado. And Putin calls it DeNazification! A Nazi country run by a Jew. You can’t make this up. And you thought Biden could gaffe!

So what’s the big move now? If Ukraine doesn’t give up it’s gonna get bad? What’s Russia gonna do now. Say, “Stop!” again? Dudes! You don’t even have PaPa John’s pizza anymore. Killeen, Texas has a PaPa John’s! A bunch of wild Mexicans invaded Texas better than you invaded Ukraine. The Ukrainians tell us that you’re throwing zombies at them now. Zombies? Freaking Zombies? The next thing you know Ssundee will be launching a new Mine Craft game, The Attack of the Russian Zombies with Putin leading the charge. And now they threaten nuclear war? Where you gonna drop it homie? Moscow? Because that’s where the Ukrainian army is heading! To quote Will Rodgers I don’t make jokes . . . I just read the news and report the facts.

Times they are a changing and Russia needs to erase the word imperial from its vocabulary. It don’t work no mo’! The culture war between the east and the west is over. Elon Musk won. And it wasn’t even close. Your big attempt for past glory failed. Your economy is in the tank, winter is on the way, Zelenskyy is eating prime rib with Biden, and the world is pounding your tanks into meth labs. But . . . you did manage to capture a basketball player so that’s worth something I guess.

And the winner is . . . a tap dancing comedian!

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