How To Write A Book
Humor by: Bill the Butcher
I usually start writing a book by telling a joke that ends up on Facebook. A little observation I’d made during my study of the human situation that has about a fifty percent chance of surviving the fact checkers and needs to include all the necessary ingredients to satisfy the Woke folks with a story like Two black Rabbis walked into a bar with an alligator on a leash. Then I’ll go back and look at it.
We all do that. If you’re stupid enough to put something up on Facebook you’re stupid enough to continually go back, checking “Likes” to see if there’s anybody out there who’s as stupid as you are. Oh, they’re out there. Facebook posts won’t make you any money but if you make enough and let ‘em season a while you will get on a list somewhere. And don’t worry about being misunderstood or offending someone you will never meet. I’m so offensive that they kicked me off NextDoor. Think about that. I got thrown off a social media site that caters to cougars trying to find their lost dog all because I asked one of them what she was wearing one night!
During the re-reads you will invariably add, subtract, change, or develop the original post. This usually stems on trying to explain what it was you were trying to say in the first place. I’m from Texas where English is a second language so literary articulation is not my long suit. Matter of fact my high school English teacher told me I’d never be able to communicate in the written word. She now subsists on prunes in a nursing facility and you’re reading this so there’s that. Teachers have changed a lot since back then. These days they teach Critical Race Theory and date their students.
After you generate about a paragraph or so you find your way over to a blog to blow it up to an article. Now a blog is poor man’s publishing. It’s where you know better than to send it to the New York Times so you put it in some website of your own invention because you own it and there isn’t an editor. Editors are the bane of a budding writer’s existence with all that spelling and syntax nonsense that gets in the way of trying to develop a novel from that alligator joke I mentioned above.
After you write the article you copy and paste it to . . . you guessed it, FACEBOOK! Bad habits are hard to break. Same routine. Go back and check the “Likes” and with any luck at all someone will comment. Sometimes the comment is edifying but most of the time it is liquidating because the purveyor of said comment has as little ability as you had when you posted to article and having their own Facebook account they’re trolling for Likes too!
Now you have the original draft of this conglomeration on your computer (I use an iPhone) that you go back and amend until one day you have to subdivide it into sections just so you can keep the continuity going and by and by those sections become chapters. The evolution to proposed “book” comes along about page twenty or so which is about the time you find yourself reading it over and over again to try and clarify what it was you were talking about in the first place! Do yourself a favor and ignore any advice on which direction your contribution to man’s understanding takes. Just solder on until all the parts begin to fit.
And they will fit! They will also change the entire premise of the work entirely. Not one book I’ve ever written ended like it started. And as it evolves you will find yourself adding and subtracting vast amounts of material as you try to put lipstick on this pig! It is entirely possible by the time you’re finished the “book” will have absolutely no resemblance to the original post on Facebook. And even then you’ll find yourself writing and editing over and over. It’s like sharpening a knife. Or moreover like painting a forest. You don’t paint the entire forest at once. Some days you paint a tree. Other days, only a leaf. But the idea is paint something! And add a squirrel when you find time.
Don’t let anybody talk down to you about your style or ability. Be you! When I was In Nashville I ran across heaps of aspiring artists who sounded just like Willie Nelson. Trouble was Nashville already had a Willie Nelson. Be you! There’s only one you in the world and that’s your only chance of making it.
You come with all the equipment you need to be a writer. Ten fingers! There will be any number of people who will run you down, claiming you are not bright enough to write a book, or song, or anything. Ignore them. While they are picking apart your idea I’ll give you a dollar to a doughnut they aren’t writing anything and don’t plan to! Once an interviewer aspersed Steven King concerning the guards in The Green Mile wearing uniforms. He let King know that prison guards in Depression era Louisiana wore their own clothes to which Steven told him that in his Louisiana the guards wore uniforms. I graduated high school in Killeen, Texas which is about as ignorant as you can be and they still let you drive a car by yourself! Write for the ones who brung you! They’ll understand.
I won’t bore you with publishing options. Use self publishing. Yeah, I really said that. I do till this day. I’ll pay them and listen to their lies in order to con them out of a case of my book in paperback to mail to real publishers. I will tell you write for the love of writing. Your work may never be read in your lifetime and your granddaughter will become rich off your works that she found in your attic fifty years after you’re dead. I write for that little girl who ponders my grave long after I’m gone. How does all this methodology figure in directing you to write? Look at the first line of this article. Now . . . go check my Facebook!
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