We Choose To Go To The Moon

We Choose To Go To The Moon

Commentary/Satire by: Bill the Butcher

“We choose to go to the moon?” Have you ever heard such an egotistical, blatant ejaculation of imperialism in your entire life? We choose to what? Spend all your tax money to plant a flag on some airless rock two hundred and fifty thousand miles out there in screw-all space while the Russians are trying to BLOW us out there because they too think that they are the masters of the universe. And we went there. And guess what? There wasn’t gold, silver, or even a bar there. Just a couple of guys jumping around like slow motion K-Pop dancers collecting rocks. Oh, and they left a flag!

And what did we get in return? Well, let’s see. There’s some rocks. You can still see them in museums and lectures. We got some nice pictures of . . . rocks. We got the debt from hell, oh, and the Vietnam War. We chose to go there, too. But we just brought bodies home, not rocks. But the Russians and Chinese got their rocks OFF watching us spread a little freedom around. Wait! THEY won? Shut the front door!

And we didn’t go back to the moon. There are dozens of theories about that. Everything from aliens to angels but the real reason is we are now choosing to go to Mars, another exciting vacation spot for the adventurous American spirit. I choose to go to a Motel 6 with Taylor Swift, but that’s just me.

STOP THE PRESSES!

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) — Astronauts will have to wait until next year before flying to the moon and at least two years before landing on it, under the latest round of delays announced by NASA on Tuesday.

Let me explain that to you. First a little psychology. One of the classic definitions of insanity is doing something over and over again, expecting a different result. Like going to the moon.

Now economics. When NASA delays something do you think they just sit around waiting for the new launch date? Au contrairè! They hit Congress as hard as they can to keep that budget alive and well because if they don’t we may go insane and legalize marijuana or something else. We’d stop building rockets and start building Yellow Submarines.

The proposed adventure has been suggested for 2026, but 2028 sounds better. And while we’re waiting Congress will consider if we need things like health care, water and air, but that’s all in “committee” right now so forget about it. Oh, CONGRESS has health care, and free postage but who’s counting?

Meanwhile the Chinese are laughing their yellow asses off as we try to figure out which restroom to use. The world didn’t go mad, WE did! America is not a great mixing pot it’s a cluster . . . well you know. We have Mexicans spilling over the border. But we always did. You know what puzzles me? Why do they always make a point of saying it’s the southern border. Where the hell do they think Mexicans come from? Canada?

But we are on hold for the next big lunar land rush. With our luck someone will find oil up there. Every time oil pops up in the world we run over and start a war. Looks like we’re gonna have to spread a little “freedom” up there!

Listen to The Galaxy Song. Lots of wisdom there. Sometimes when it all gets to you just let them ponys run. Entertainment there. It is what it is until it ain’t. See you on the dark side of the moon. I choose to go to a bar.

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