Lock Up The Dogs!

Satire/Humor by: Bill The Butcher

Is nothing sacred? Have we lost all semblance of respectability? Are the memories of Lassie, and Rin Tin Tin, and perhaps even Scoobie Doo in danger of pronoun reassignment? A story broke today penned by the notable Lateshia Beachum of the Washington Post alerting us to the discovery that MonkeyPox virus has made the extrospecies (I just made that word up so don’t try to Google it) leap, infecting dogs now with the virus from a human host.

This story preempted the war in Ukraine, Trump’s toilet, and even Alex Jones’ dirty pictures of his ex-wife. Stop the presses! The dogs’ got the clap! Now to my understanding the Pox is primarily spread by sweaty skin to skin contact. For some reason it has been ascertained that apparently during the sex act girls don’t sweat, or at least not as much as men which gives us the medical equation (Dude + Dude) = MonkeyPox.

The CDC has been trying to pump MonkeyPox up into a full fledged pandemic for months to no avail. First off a bunch of alphabet people breaking out in poison ivy in their nether regions is just downright funny, and next the very name, MonkeyPox smacks of a Ron White joke. What to do? Well, try as they might it just doesn’t seem to stick to women. And I grew up in Texas. I’ve met some West Texas Firecrackers if you know what I mean. Now y’all watch! Because I just said that there’ll be a slew of pictures of chicks with MonkeyPox!

Outlandish claims by the CDC is nothing new. How’s that jab and mask working out for ya? They backpedalled on that so bad yesterday that they looked like a bunch of circus clowns. They had to send out a warning suitable enough to scare the pants off of everyone that Capri Sun was shipping products filled with Mr. Clean. Hey! I ain’t even gonna lie to you. There was a notice claiming just that! Read it!

But, since Capri Sun didn’t quite measure up somebody with initials after their name theorized that dogs were now getting infected with MonkeyPox. Now being doctors and scientists they didn’t venture just how Fido come upon this malady so that’s what I’m here for. (Save your fork!)

Since the Pox tends to transmit from prolonged skin to skin contact one must deduce that this results from a bit more than a simple pat on the head or throwing a stick. Wouldn’t you say? And it must surely be one of the larger breeds. A Chihuahua just won’t do. Something you can grab onto. Except a Pit Bull. But we won’t go there.

So you get the right size dog of a reasonable temperament, preferably in heat (I wonder if there are any gay dogs) and you . . . uh . . . do the deed. Then, if said dog commences dragging his butt on the ground in a prolonged fashion then trip off to the vet and get him tested. As we know, the CDC only needs a couple cases of anything to cut off our water supply so a dog with MonkeyPox is a Godsend. Or Devilsend depending on whatever faith you believe.

And since the virus has now made the jump all animals are endangered. Like in Texas, where women are women, men are men, and the sheep are nervous! There are laws against such things, even in Arkansas. It mainly concerns dogs at this point so we shouldn’t get “hung up” on general anxiety for wombats. (Excuse the pun.)

I suggest that owners have a heart to heart with their male dogs warning them about taking treats from strangers. Be direct, one S.O.B. to another. We must stop this now because we know where this is going. Ever tried to put anything on a dog from a sweater to halter? Imagine putting a doggie Depends on them! And cross infections in food? Remember Mad Cow Disease? Almost out Big Mac out of business. Just think of all the Korean Kitchens in Killeen, Texas! MonkeyPox. . . Dogs . . .Yaki Man Do? Don’t wanna get xenophobic here, but hey! El Barko Amigos!