Rules Of Life To Die For

Rules Of Life To Die For

Satire (or not) by: Bill the Butcher

Keep only friends who appreciate you, not the ones who tolerate you. If they don’t appreciate you DEpreciate them and find new ones. If you can’t find new ones, that’s OK. At least you took the garbage to the curb.

and …

• Never keep people around just because they’re family. This especially applies to foul-mouthed grand-kids.

• Never let someone see how many cigarettes you have when they ask for one. You’re just enabling.

• It is written that you should not commit adultery, but I tell you that even if you lust after a woman at least make it a hot one since the price is the same.

• If a woman tells you that you will always be a friend be sure to request separate checks.

• Never remarry an ex-wife. That’s a quick way to own fifteen percent of yourself.

• Never take any sudden discovery of a new scientific, political, or medical theory before checking to see if it’s clickbait.

• If you see something that’s too good to be true do a price comparison at Walmart.

• When an article online tells you to click the first comment for the video . . . just don’t do it. You’ll feel better about yourself.

• The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because everybody peed through the fence.

• Never marry somebody’s “Ex.” They were Xd for a reason.

• Never break the law around witnesses.

• Never flirt with another man’s wife if he’s bigger than you.

• When you get stopped by a traffic cop, cough a lot.

• Never kiss on the first date. In fact, never kiss a girl you haven’t had dinner with at least three times.

• Never get drunk around strangers.

• Avoid Thanksgiving. If there is anything to be thankful for you already have it.

• Top off your gas tank each morning. You’d be surprised how little you need, and you never know what the government is going to do next.

• If the CPS comes for your kids let them have them. The peace and quiet is priceless.

• Never eat anything you can’t spell.

• Never drink blended whiskey.

• Before you pay for a movie online check YouTube. It’s usually there for free and will be until the poster is caught.

• Never take the second bite of something you didn’t like on the first bite. It doesn’t get any better.

• Take some things with a grain of salt. Other things require BBQ sauce.

• Your inner peace is more valuable than someone’s opinion.

• Never fart in an elevator. Wet ones come without warning.

• It doesn’t take two words to describe “sexual.”

• When someone is telling you anything, everything after the word “but” is usually a lie.

• Never answer the phone or text when driving. Even if someone died, they’ll still be dead when you get to your destination.

• Avoid all funerals except your own.

• Try taking a train instead of a flight. You’d be surprised, and there’s a club car.

• Don’t feel bad about your sins unless you didn’t get away with them.

• Always do the same things each morning. It makes things easier when Alzheimer’s sets in.

• Don’t sweat a government shut down. They will always find the money for another war.

• When the wolf is at your door kill it and eat it.

• Every day that you wake up is a good day . . . unless you wake up in Detroit.

• Never date an underage girl because it hurts so bad when they run off with an underage boy.

• Money is not the root of all evil, but it can buy some.

• Never update your computer or phone the day the update comes out. Give it a few days. Let everyone else take the hit.

• If you can’t feel the drink, don’t tip the bartender.

• Never pet someone else’s dog.

• Never pet someone else’s wife.

• If you have to ask someone how much money they make it’s almost guaranteed it’s more than you.

• Don’t take articles such as this as scripture. Only scripture is scripture. (Don’t lose the BBQ sauce!)

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