Training Grizzly Bears

Training Grizzly Bears

Commentary by: Bill the Butcher

You know, some things are apparent. Very little common sense is required. Just uttering the proposition implies disaster. Just today I read an article about a poor man who was mauled to death by a bear which, while not being an everyday thing is not hard to fathom. But the headline invoked consideration. GRIZZLY BEAR TRAINER! Some words just don’t come together. Ex-wife, Trans-Pick your pronoun, Grizzly Bear Trainer? Like asking someone to “pass me the piano, please!” On what planet does that make any sense? Or allowing a situation that you know is unfathomable. Like allowing your unemployed brother-in-law to live in a back bedroom at your house. Some dogs just won’t hunt!

There was some guy in South Africa some time back who was eaten by his pet hippopotamus. Again. Pet hippopotamus? Think about that. Take all the time you need. The poor man was clearly out of his league. Guess he should have called a hippopotamus trainer. Point of interest: Have you ever watched a hippo eat a whole watermelon? Jus’ Sayin’. Oh, in reference to the previous paragraph, I didn’t think there WAS any such thing as a hippopotamus trainer, but I Googled it and Son of a beach! There are! Go to this link should you have a troublesome hippo around your house. I’m looking for an ex-wife trainer, myself. But sadly, once they get away they’re just gone!

This bloke’s death is a sign of the times. We have become so accustomed to the absurd that all things being equal it becomes “apparent” that all things are NOT equal! If you wanna return to reality just watch the animals. Take any animal that runs in a bunch. That South African Hippo might be a good start. Wolves, lions, hyenas, democrats, any of them. I prefer wolves. You know, will the wolf survive and all that sort of thing. Animals never pick the dumbest animal to be their leader. Well, maybe democrats, but silverbacks usually pick the silveriest back. Only the human animal will choose the chief of the Nimrods to carry around the nuclear code.

But to try to train a grizzly bear? Or use a hippopotamus for a horse? And let us not forget pregnant men! Trying to make a man conceive a baby in-vitro. Where you gonna stick it. I know you people have some thoughts on this but keep them to yourself. This is a family site! Personally, I would pay money to see that delivery. C’mon now! Wouldn’t you pay to see Dylan Mulvaney’s feet up in the stirrups? You know you would! Pass the Preparation H!

And it keeps coming. I was kinda put off by Ellen Degenerate’s popularity. Did the audience know what a plain Jane chick in a crew cut was? What she wasn’t was attractive. I mean I wouldn’t date her, and my standards are quite low. Take a look at my track record. Hanging around the Valero Connivence Store looking for a date? At least the grizzly kept an original haircut.

I began this article by pointing out how some things are apparent. Well, some things not only apparent, they are stupid, and some things are just plain outrageous. Things like you can stomp or burn an American flag but doing that to a Rainbow flag can be a hate crime. Try calling someone in California in a dress with an Adam’s apple “sir” and see how that works out for you. Oh, for the days with real women. The ones with wombs.

Remember the days when politicians would kiss babies? Not like Joe Biden does. You know. The old peck on the cheek thing. When Biden took hold of that one little girl, (You know the one) kissed her hair and her little eyes bugged out like Meg on Family Guy. If I were caught doing that, I’d go for a plea deal. “Your Honor, if you will let the bailiff loan me his gun and one bullet, I’ll save the State of Texas a lot of money!”

But I can’t really brag on Texas. When a University of Texas girl was asked what state was the state of Arizona in, after much consideration she said, “Nebraska?” Where were these girls when I was in high school. Well, as a matter of fact there are a lot of them in California. Once, when I was asked by one of those girls that Brian Wilson wanted all American girls to be, to make her a martini because she’d never had one, I did, and she loved it. And, knowing the intellectual level I was dealing with I told her, “The best thing about a martini is due to the recipe, the vermouth actually neutralizes the alcohol content and the more of them you drink, the clearer you mind becomes.”

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how you wake up with somebody else’s shirt on!

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