If Mars Ain’t A Lot Like Texas

If Mars Ain’t A Lot Like Texas

Commentary/Satire by: Bill the Butcher 

If Mars Ain’t A Lot Like Texas … I Don’t Wanna Go!

A ballpark cost of the first Mars mission in 2035 would total $230 billion. Second and subsequent missions, would be occurring at three-year intervals, would cost about $142 billion each including SLS and Orion costs (op-ed-mars).

Can you imagine how many tacos and beer such money could buy? Or medical care just for the children. Hell! That could finance Israel’s war for an hour, not counting Nathan Yahoo’s finder’s fee. I don’t know how long that would float Hunter’s coke habit for one weekend. Now, all jokes aside, and Amerika is a joke boys and girls, don’t let anybody lie to you, the flagrant misappropriation of funds is a Congressional pastime.

Don’t you wanna know why? Because when you swish so much taxpayer money around it’s easy to scrape a little off the top. That’s why! And when the budget gets near and dear they make a grab for Social Security. Like stealing money from the collection plate! I have a cure for illegal immigration. Make sanctuary camps on the border. Come one, come all. Make them secure. Only one way in and one way out. On the south side. You know. The side with a beautiful view of the Rio Grande. Welcome the “political freedom seekers.” Tell them, “Welcome to Amerika! All the modern conveniences are here for you. Unfortunately, due to budget adjustments there is no money for food.” Leave the south door unlocked. (I oughta be president!)

Forget trickle down economics. When you wait for a trickle from the fat cats the feral cats get nothing. Provide medical care, assist with housing, food, and whiskey when needed for A m e r I c a n s! Everyone else take a number. THEN worry about saving the world. THEN pay the politicians.

You know how every six months or so we have this “shut down the government crap?” May I introduce the Witt and Wittier solution to budget revitalization. Freeze Congressional Salaries first. Dollar to a donut the money would appear before lunch. Don’t even think about Social Security. Now get this. Social Security. We PAID into that Ponzi scheme. You pay until you turn, say, sixty-five or so. Now they wanna raise it to seventy. And that’s if you live that long. Then they give you nickels on the dollar, praying to God and five other old white men you don’t live long enough to get it all. And if you don’t, do your survivors get it? I mean even credited to their account? Why heck no! We gotta have that to feed all them hungry Mexicans spilling over the border!

You know, if this article were pure satire it would be great humor. But it’s NOT! And you know it’s not. And why do we have to send boxcars of money to Ukraine? If we don’t they’ll run out of bullets and Putin will deliver them the ass whipping that Grant gave Lee when the south pulled the same thing back in 1861!

Or the Middle East. The more the crowds there scream, “Death to Amerika,” the more we pay them. And Israel? Oh, don’t get me started. You come to town, take all the land, and put the former occupants thereof on a reservation, oh, sorry, the Gaza Strip, and they break out and jump on your ass with no hope of winning. YaTaHey! If you understand Navajo. And while all this is happening your grandmother is making sandwiches out of cat food.

Or we are flying to Mars to find intelligent life. Better find some here. We’ll get a bushel of red rocks. Ocacotillo Wells is closer and you can get there on a Harley. And after we save all that money I’ll meet you in Austin for tacos and beer. Be sure to bring your sister.



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