Beam Me Up Jesus

 Beam Me Up Jesus

Commentary/Satire by: Bill the Butcher 

It’s the end of the world! Jesus is coming back!

Tell me, just this week, how many times have you heard those two things? Verily Verily I say unto you: It IS the end of the world. The world as you know it, and Jesus IS coming back . . . for YOU! And most likely you ain’t gonna be raptured. He gonna snatch you right straight into hell. Do not pass “Go,” and you ain’t getting no two hundred dollars. Eternal fire and brimstone right along with the entire congregation of The Memorial Baptist Church in beautiful downtown Killeen, Texas, can I have an, “Amen?”

You self-righteous bastards think God is gonna give you a pass for all them babies you’ve killed? How about the Supreme Court opinion in accordance with The International Brotherhood of Rump Rangers? I don’t wanna start Bible Thumping, but I believe the word it uses is “abomination.” Matter of fact, I can’t find one of the Ten Commandments that the Land of the Free and Home of the Brave didn’t crap on! (Another Amen, please.)

“Do what thy wilt,” “If it feels good, do it,” “To thine own self be true.”

And it all sounds real good until you stand before that big cash register in the sky, and then it’s all over now, and it sure is Monday! And waving your hands in the air like you don’t care won’t save you!

God speaks in a small voice. Inside voice. Inside your moral compass that was installed at your conception. That’s conception! Not birth! When the rubber meets the road or not the rubber if you understand. God doesn’t shout, Go to hell,” He whispers it, but it has the weight of intergalactic law, and there was one appeal. If you hear those words your past that appeal. He stood at your door and knocked, but you were busy at the time.

The rules of engagement never change. It’s always a bad move to break the big ten. And all you gotta do is say, “I’m sorry.” God is love and mercy. He made salvation easy because He knew He was dealing with us. From birth to the grave we are given life choices. It’s always one from column “A” or one from column “B.” You want column “A.” Forget column “B.” It’s no good for you. But you wouldn’t believe how many willingly choose “B.” Why?

Because they don’t believe. They believe what they can touch, feel, smell, etc. It’s called empirical evidence. Science makes a lot of hay with that. Something is “proven,” until it’s not. Masks prevent COVID, no they don’t. The Vax will protect you, not exactly. Your ex-wife loves you. No she doesn’t. There’s always a qualifier. And the doctors, scientists, and technicians swear by this method yet won’t accept the resurrection because there’s no “empirical evidence.” Well, there ain’t no body either, so there! Columbo says you gotta have a body to confirm a death. That’s empirical evidence.” And for two thousand years they simply can’t confound the witness of thousands of people who just believe. Because that’s just heresay. Can’t prove in a court of law that Jesus was ever in that tomb. Hey! Just playing by the rules ya’ll set.

Will Jesus fix this mess? I don’t think He wants to. I think that what’s occurring right now has been the plan all along. If God has infinite wisdom, then He can infinitely see that we ain’t the answer. The dinosaurs weren’t the answer. Do you wanna know what I think? Aliens! I think Roswell is a holy site. In all likelihood the Garden of Eden is there. Hidden from us until the appointed time when the new Eve shall appear. Beautiful. Long blonde hair on her head, short blonde hair on the other end, and antennae coming out of her head. Beep da Beep da Beep Beep Beep! Beam me up, Jesus!

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