The Gospel According To Wilbur

Title: The Gospel According To Wilbur

the·ol·o·gy /THēˈäləjē/ noun

1. the study of the nature of God and religious belief.
“a theology degree” of religious beliefs and theory when systematically developed
plural noun: theologies “a willingness to tolerate new theologies.”

Satire: Bill the Butcher

God made man, man made religion, and religion made theology! Loosely defined, theology is the understanding of Theo, which is loosely defined as God, a God, or many Gods. That is that attempt to understand something you have previously defined as beyond all understanding. And it that doesn’t define crazy I’m not a white boy from Austin.

Insanity is loosely defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Such as re-marrying an ex-wife, putting Apaches on a reservation, or sticking Palestinians on the Gaza Strip. Yeah, I’m gonna go there. Saddle up!

The usual path to this understanding of theology or world events is some holy book, arbitrarily defined as scripture. And scripture can be a “holy” work, the “Holy Bible,” “Holy Qu’ran” “Holy Book of Morman,” or the more aesthetically pleasing Karma Sutra, all deemed to be “holy” by whatever is floating your boat at the time. And all laying claim to have been given by “holy” inspiration to men by some physical or psychological means not yet fully understood by the minds of men. The Karma Sutra cannot actually be holy because it involves women to an unsettling degree, and if there’s one thing that will make a holy man stiffen up it’s an unholy woman. The usual remedy for an unholy woman is to have her stoned. In Biblical times the offending woman was stoned after the act and in the modern era they typically get stoned before sinning which doesn’t excuse her but can make her extremely popular. I feel it to be poignant to note that the men called down by Jesus, you know, the cast the first stone thing were most likely the accused woman’s customers from the night before, and all they had to do was smell their fingers to understand Christ’s accusation. Now, where was I?

All of these religious books depend upon inspiration. And that would mean literal inspiration according to the “theology” of any number of wild-eyed fanatics that can be found in any church, mosque, synagogue, or bar worldwide. God grabbed two stone tablets and gave Moses ten rules that couldn’t be broken, especially on The Sabbath, depending upon what time of the year it was. An Angel grabbed Mohammed by the throat and squeezed until he babbled The Goat-Herder’s Guide to the Universe. Joseph Smith was visited by an illegal immigrant named Moroni who told him that there was a pot of gold out there in some potato field in Upstate NewYork, and last, but certainly not least, adherents to the Karma Sutra seek to lay their holy hands on something a tad more tangible.

But all are “inspired!” So, what is inspiration? Inspiration is whatever you burn in your crazy mind. The crazier the better, and it helps if you have a prophet handy who has a lifestyle that would make John Lennon blush with shame. So, students of such whack-a-doodle manifestations as these will scribble down fallacious utterances that will later be translated into countless renditions for eager minds searching for “the truth!” Attempts to understand cultures, languages, and beliefs have brought about the end of many a good man, religions, cultures, and the mental stability of otherwise sober men who had to explain their actions to some judge who just wishes that he’d had a shot at it that night. Are your ears burning yet you sinners. Saint Paul tells us that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory. Yea, even me! I’ve just had a good lawyer.

Great wars have been fought over the misunderstanding of but one holy word in whatever holy scripture you may buy into. All over an error no greater than a misprint in a Walmart ad! When Mohammed passed one of his followers charged out of the tent screaming that he’d slay the first man who said the prophet ever died, and devout Christians become very perturbed if someone casts doubt on Jesus just getting up on a Sunday morning and strolling out of His tomb like he had good sense!

All in subjection to an unproven idea arrived upon by someone’s whacky understanding of a whiskey-soaked dream or getting caught with a girlfriend by one of the sister wives. But it all comes down to theology. So, is there a God? A supreme being? A source? And if so, where does such an entity come from?

If there is such a thing as inspiration it comes from the human mind and if it is in the mind, then it was put there by the same force that put that tree in your yard. You cannot deny what you can see and you can see that tree. Can we ever understand that force? Well, in a word, no. The best we can do is try to understand our understanding, and that’s a stretch. When we open one door there is always another one at the end of the room.

There is no answer to this equation. Everyone tries to fill their particular “God Hole” in their head with whatever “Theology” suits them. For we are looking for answers in all the wrong places. If there is a God, He learned from Mount Sinai that we simply cannot count to ten. Jesus tried to teach us to count to two and got nailed up for it. Before it is all over it is said that Jesus will return and separate the sheep from the goats. Baa Baa black sheep, have you any tithes?

And I believe that. I mean, somebody has to fix this mess. We can’t! And maybe it was all planned that way. Right after the words, “In the beginning . . .” What if we’re just a ramp to a better world? What if we’re not? At the end of this very bad day, what if God turns off the lights and just goes to wherever home is for Him. Whatever your Holy Guy in the Sky is for you, He didn’t tell you to handcuff children and shoot them in the head. So, there’s the Gospel of Wilbur. Looking for inspiration? You just found it!



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