The Tiger In The Bush

Commentary/Satire by: Bill the Butcher

Fear, Anger, and Hate

Man is driven by emotion. It would be nice if he were guided by love, empathy, and logic, but the tiger in the bushes precludes all that, and primal man is still, well, primal.

FEAR

And what, you may ask, is the tiger in the bushes? Examine yourself. What scares you? I mean really scares you! A loud noise? Some movie? A wife on the verge of becoming an ex-wife? Those things are terrors that are constructed. They begin with a thought, and take root in your psyche. Things that simmer until they come to a boil. They go bump in the night. We all have them. I’ve contended with divorce six times. The first time I went out into the desert to die.

By number six I just went to lunch. I replaced the word “Ex” with the word “Next.” And I got plumb good at it! I began to consider why I was racking up a stable of all the girls I’d loved before and had to face the fact that I had an issue with long term relationships. I realized that while I was great for two minutes I simply had no plans for breakfast. Maybe that’s why they all absconded. I’ve been run off so many times that I thought PMS meant “Pack my stuff.”

So, as you can easily see you can adapt to just about anything. But what defines adaptation? That thing that scared you when you were in diapers will still scare you when you find yourself in Depends in the nursing home at the end.

The tiger? Consider this. You are walking through the park on the way home. It’s dark. You are aware, but not alarmingly so. As you cut down a well-lit path that in short order will take you to a well-lit street with traffic, and people and religious nuts begging for a contribution. You can see the street coming up. You’ve done it a hundred times and your legs have muscle memory. Unfortunately, you also have a brain stem that is fine tuned for survival.

Things such as breathing, heart rate, blood pressure, and the ancient wariness of predators lurking about. Just then you hear a slight rustling in a bush as you pass by. Your brain stem kicks in. The part of the brain that wants dinner, air, water, and a night with Dixie Sweetcheeks. It’s known as the reptilian part of the brain. It’s what caused Eve to eat that forbidden fruit? Oh yeah. If you’re religious that is a snake. If you are scientific it is the oldest part of the brain known as the “Reptilian” part. And it shares information with your DNA from time immemorial of bad food, bad women and tigers in the bush. Saber tooth tigers. So now you know. And it doesn’t matter if you are a stockbroker or a meth dealer. You almost swallow your tongue.

My mother taught me theology so accordingly I don’t buy into apples, or naked blondes blaming their desires on anything but themselves. It wasn’t the apple that messed Eve up. It was the mushrooms growing on the tree trunk. It was after she sampled them that the snake started talking and she put on that fig leaf. Verily verily I say unto thee that what she covered up was the real forbidden fruit! Now what bush do you think the tiger is really hiding in? Asking for a friend. By the way my grandmother took me to the First Baptist Church and hamburger emporium each Sunday, sat me in the Amen pew and the preacher told me I was going to “hayell” if I listened to my mom. I was scared of Jesus until I was thirty years old!

That’s fear. Fear of real threats, real or perceived. They are all YOUR threats. You own them. And the song remains the same. Fight or flight. You either grab that tiger by the ears or grab your ass with both hands and run.

Fear drives a treasure trove of actions. Don’t think so? How’s that mask Fauci gave you working out? Totally useless and you knew it, but you wore it anyway. And as soon as you figured out that viruses were smaller than the fibers in a paper mask, he handed you moonshine and called it a vaccine. And that quelled your fear for a while. Until COVID 20, 21, 22, all the way to 24 and don’t forget MonkeyPox. They came up with a new virus named after us? Don’t wear the mask. Just stop screwing monkeys!

But it all boils down to the tiger in the bush. If you can convince people that there’s a tiger in the bush you can rule the world. —> Point of fact: The tiger in the bush can own any man that lifts that fig leaf.<—

So how can you conquer fear. Most fears are unfounded. Most dreadful eventualities will never become realities given time. Don’t borrow trouble where none exists. To cure a smart mouth kid only requires a slap. And if something arises that seems insurmountable know that insurmountable situations have a half-life. Tomorrow it’s only half as bad as it was yesterday. This goes on until you forget your ex-wife’s birthday and by then she’s someone else’s problem anyway. And if you are smart she became “next” a long time ago!

ANGER

Anger is the flower of fear. If you are successful in grabbing the tiger by the ears (good luck with that by the way) you have no reason to fear. Ok! Smoke that joint. The tiger never goes away. The brain stem won’t let it. That tiger could be a guy in a pickup at Luby’s who doesn’t look quite right, or a piece of meat that doesn’t taste right. The brain stem never sleeps. You sleep. The brain stem prevents dirt naps. The tiger’s name is Situational Awareness and if you don’t understand that the tiger will eventually get you.

But anger has a use. It overcomes fear. The introduction of adrenaline goes a long way to banish fear. Anger is where Congressional Medals of honor come from. Anger can lead to respect. Respect can lead to careful planning. Careful planning can choose a different path through the park. And the tiger waits until another day.

Unfortunately, unfounded anger, or anger that lingers is something psychologists call psychosis. Or phobia. Or any number of mental aspersions updated in this year’s DSM (insert the number of the last one you could afford). It’s feeling some people get when they look at a picture of the Grand Canyon. Who in the hell falls off of a picture of the Grand Canyon. ME! That’s one of my phobias.

While a fear of heights is understandable unreasonable fear can grow exponentially until it makes no sense at all and takes over your life. One of Napoleon’s officers had his staff wake him every hour on the hour because he had a fear of giving birth to an elephant. A certain European princess firmly believed that she had swallowed a glass piano, and that any sudden movement would cause it to shatter. Hitler believed a bunch of crazy rabbis in funny hats would destroy his precious Third Reich. Makes you wonder what became of Reich 1and 2.

And this is what gives birth to anger. When you can’t outrun the tiger and you must turn and fight. While anger can strengthen and embolden you to fight the tiger you must be careful that there is a tiger, or moreover was there ever one around at all. Be cognizant or you can end up charging windmills at the Laughing Academy or shooting women At Luby’s or Jews in their temple.

Baseless anger is a useless waste of time. Justifiable anger is useful only to help you avoid your triggers or to let them know they should avoid you.

If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town.

When you disconnect from the trigger of your anger your anger should ebb. The Lord told us to pray for our enemies, not put up with them. And for God’s sake don’t give them money in the false belief that they will go away.

The entire purpose of this article is to try to lead you to personal peace. If the apple is bitter don’t eat it. If the bush has a tiger in it don’t go there. If your wife hides her cell phone, leave her. It won’t diminish your humanity if you keep your life pleasant. That leads us to the final part of this literary ejaculation.

HATE

Let’s posit that a large number of people hate Kim Jong Un. Now given his status, wealth, weight and security it’s safe to say that he couldn’t give a rat’s ass about what anyone thinks of him. So who are they hurting? Certainly not Mr Un. Hate hurts the hater. And it’s not entirely spiritual. Blood pressure, cardiac arrest, diarrhea, ulcers, hemorrhoids, a virtual encyclopedia of maladies caused by hating someone who could care less, even if they know you. Matter of fact, if they understand the dynamics of hate they get to enjoy watching you self-destruct.

I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure. Anonymous Surprisingly hate’s two cousins, fear and anger have uses as far as they go. Like cough syrup you don’t keep taking it once the cough is gone. Some people do but some people drink hand sanitizer. Whatever! Since hate has no productive use it only goes to follow that unabated it can be self rejuvenating. (Der Chews are ze enemy) Wanna see? I give you Thanksgiving Dinner!

While the lines between the three basic human emotions are somewhat blurred, the roots of hate are wild and deep. That’s because you can hate and not know why.

Watch a movie. You can hate the bad guy, but if you are reasonable, you understand the bad guy is just an actor. You should appreciate his (or her) ability to evoke emotions in you so as you appreciate the film. Just remember to leave that emotion with the discarded popcorn tub when you leave.

So how do you cure hate? Love your enemies. That’s obnoxious, isn’t it? Well of course it is. But if you attempt to love them that very act neutralizes most of the hate. Sort of like hooking up with an ex now and then because he, she, or it was actually good at one thing during your marriage. I guess in that way it is possible to actually love an enemy even if it’s only for two minutes.

Like I said previously, the lines between these three tend to blur but try this: when you start to fall into the traps outlined here just do this mantra. Assume the lotus position and repeat after me: “Fear Anger Hate!” Do this as many times as needed. This will emphasize the connection between the three and slowly they will assume their proper role in your life. Hopefully you won’t have to do that after a while. If they don’t then become a drunk. After a couple years of that you won’t have time for human emotions, and you can just leave the rest of us alone. Put a dollar in the plate as it passes by.

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