Sharia Ain’t Maria

Sharia Ain’t Maria

Commentary/Satire by: Bill the Butcher

You think Sharia law hasn’t arrived? You better think again. I want to tell you about something that happened to me in Ogden, Utah no less. Now, get the setting. Ogden, Utah. Utah was set up like this. Brigham Young picked the absolute worse pass in the Rockies to come across to proclaim the Salt Lake Valley as “the place,” thereby proving that Mormons DO drink. Then he took his little band of religious nuts down and built Salt Lake City. The Indians took one look at this, concluded, “White man CRAZY!” and pretty much left them alone.

Every so often Brother Brigham would get a wild hair up his ass and send an “apostle” with twenty or so of their favorite wives up along the shores of the Great Salt Lake to start another town. Ogden was one of those towns. Now friends and neighbors these were Long John Mormons. The idea behind the special underwear was by the time you and her got them off you’d forgotten what you were there for, but that’s for another article.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Ogden, Utah at a Walgreens trying to buy cigarettes. So, the price of a carton is up around eighty dollars, but then I noticed a second display with a price of about twenty-four dollars. Same cigarettes, same carton, irritated Mormon chick behind the counter. I pointed to the discounted cigarettes and asked for two cartons. Heck, two cartons were half the price of one behind door number one. The girl asked if I were Muslim.

I’m standing there looking at this Marie Osmond knockoff and she’s just staring at me like I had just asked for a package of condoms, and so she asks again. I asked why that should make any difference? It seems that Muslims don’t pay taxes under Sharia Law! Did America move? What’s more, I would have to show a plane ticket to prove I was fresh out of Kan-stupid-Stan in order to reap the smoky blessing. Allah is Great, but only in isle number two.

My first problem with this is the equation (America + Sharia) – My Taxes = Refund of around seventy-six bucks. We dumped HOW many cups of tea in the Boston Harbor over a couple of cents? I don’t really think they would have dumped cigarettes over the side, and if you will note we never saw a Boston BEER Party.

Next problem is how in the nation’s history did the Muslims rate a special tax code that places them in a privileged class above Americans in an American store? And it wasn’t just cigarettes, it was Cokes, aspirin and just about anything the up-and-coming Ahab the Arab needed to enjoy his stay in the USA. All but makeup because you can’t see their women’s faces anyway.

This has GOT to be a federal thing. I mean a local Walgreens didn’t just take it upon itself to come up with this, but my question is how do the Mormons endure this? A religion that thinks all Baptists will be their servants in the afterlife lets a bunch of foreigners come in dictating tax structure according to the “Goat Herder’s Guide to the Universe?”

This goes right along with the trashing of the constitution that became so fashionable in the Obama era. Fact: Walgreens cannot ignore taxes without government approval. Solution: Walgreens should pay the taxes for Muslims. What are Muslims doing smoking anyway? Doesn’t ISIS cut their heads off for that. Oh, my bad! ISIS left with Obama. Think about that. Take all the time you need.

Next time I go to Walgreens I’m going to look them in the eye and say, “There is no god but Allah!” Then I’ll let them know Mohammed Air flew me here on a winged horse, and my four wives are waiting in the car. Unless I’m back in Ogden where polygamy is illegal. <Wink>

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