DONALD DUCK DIDN’T WEAR NO PANTS

DONALD DUCK DIDN’T WEAR NO PANTS

Commentary by: Bill the Butcher

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And that, my friends, is how you buy America back. In my life I’ve been a lot of places, done a lot of things. Some I’m proud of, some I didn’t write mother about. But you know what I never done? I never involved children in my shenanigans, that’s what!

The attack of the Whack a Doodles centered on our children. Why? Because they’re our weakest point. Impressionable little minds full of wonder trusting the grownups to steer them right, believing everything they see on the internet while still learning their ABCs. And in those tiny little heads is the future of America.

But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

I was eleven years old before I realized that Donald Duck didn’t wear pants, Micky and Minnie weren’t married, and Superman really couldn’t fly. As we grow and mature the magic and mystery of life slips away to be replaced by school, psychology, religion and lies! You heard me right. Lies! Lies and half truths with no substantiation, no supportive structure but a whole lot of smoke and mirrors, all directed at those little minds looking for a lifeboat on a sea of misinformation.

When Linda Blair gave an interview after she was an adult she spoke about the infamous “Cross Scene.” She told about the director leading her gently into the session. At some point he had to tell her that he needed her to make a motion while holding a cross, directing it toward her pee pee. Linda was twelve years old. She had no remote idea at what the motion alluded to and couldn’t even spell the word “Masturbation!” She was just a cute little girl.

Come forward to our time when it’s understood that a five-year-old is cognizant enough to pick out a gender. Have you lost your freaking minds? Drag Queen Story Time in a public library? Why should a grown male dressed as a woman read anything to little kids from some storybook salted with his dysphoria? Back in my day we had to go to the circus to see clowns.

Adults imposing their lifestyle on children is an abomination but it’s worse than that if that’s at all possible. Look! America has people out there who don’t like us. We are the “Haves” living in a world of “Have Nots!” And the ideas being disseminated to our children are things not tolerated back in “The Old Country!” If someone tried to have a Drag Queen Storytime in Tehran they’d throw those fairies off the roof to see if they could fly!

Boy! That’s bad, ain’t it? Run to your safe places . . . quick! They’re coming for your kids. Ok, we live on the concept that everyone has the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I get it. But not when emasculating a little boy makes you happy. That makes me UNhappy and I want to do “Texas” things to you.

My own grandson, the famous “New Baby” came home from school with two books from his school library expounding the joys of being a rump ranger. As opposed to being a Texas Ranger. In a way he realized his vision because I got all up in his twelve-year-old ass over it. Then I went to the school and performed a collective colonoscopy on the principal and her staff. Then they walked the school librarian to the door with a Walmart job application in her hand. A book in a public school about a love affair between two boys? Am I the only one who sees this oxymoron?

And I’m not a religious nut, or a prude. I once told a CPS worker that the vermouth in a martini neutralized the gin and the more she drank the clearer her head would become. She woke up wiser wearing my “Keep Austin Weird” T-shirt. But she was an adult! I didn’t put a funnel in her mouth and force her to drink.

All men are created equal, but parents are more equal. Until that little brain stops cooking and is done you have the job to keep flipping it. That little kid is a mini you! There’s nothing wrong with that. There will be lots of time to resolve the differences between you and your kids as they explore different ideas. Don’t let the influence of a minority of the population stay your hand if it’s stroking cheek or slapping a butt. Your kids will remember them both and will thank you for it. As for the rest of you? Better keep two friends because in the end that’s how many handles there are on a garbage can!

“Daffy Duck vs. Donald Duck (173/365)” by JD Hancock is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

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