Ant’s Anuses & The Hand Of God

Ant’s Anuses & The Hand Of God

Commentary/Satire by: Bill the Butcher

We’ve all had it happen. You work on an article, a post, or some other literary jewel designed to make your mark on the consciousness of man and due to a misplaced finger, it’s gone! If you are using an iPhone you give it three shakes which may or may not retrieve your epic but if the screen remains blank you look at iCloud, OneDrive or just a simple search of your phone with each attempt confirming that the document is just not there. Kinda makes you wonder how anyone could hack and steal anything you wrote or perhaps you realize the grim reality that nothing you’ve ever written is worth stealing.

I experienced this today. Now normally I don’t make that mistake. I have auto-save, and take great care with my fingers, other than that time with Velma Prigmore in the tenth grade but we won’t talk about that today. I had just completed a scientific study of a federally funded research project on ant anuses and a recently released medical paper concerning the color of piss. Don’t laugh. They were federally funded! That means you paid for it. God Bless ‘Murica!

When your precious work becomes pie in the sky you become downcast. All the special phrasing, the research. Yes! I actually researched this nonsense. What led me to this was an actual study that had resulted in a theory, not scientific law, mind you, only a theory, trying to find the origin of the yellow color of piss. I crappith thee NOT! Naturally, since I was navigating the uncharted territory of the absurd I was led to another study on the shape of ant’s anuses. They are octagon shaped by the way just so you know. Try and say “Ants’ Anuses” three times real fast.

You think I’m kidding don’t you? Behold!

Dr. Newton says a pigment called urochrome, or urobilin, causes the yellow color in urine. (Healthline)

So for a day and night I feverishly composed this work at which time I realized that The Wellington may have been right, and perhaps I do have a loose screw somewhere in my head. From there I progressed to UFOs and aliens on the moon and after arriving back to earth I yet again expressed my displeasure with the LBTGQ and sometimes the A community.

At any rate it was chock full of my observations with a liberal dose of my colloquialisms to spice up the chili and I decided to publish. So, I pressed “Select All” and went to my blog. From there I pressed “Paste.” No paste! I had forgotten to copy what I’d selected. So I went back to the still highlighted article and that’s where I goofed up. Instead of clicking “copy” I hit “delete!” Poof!

No problem. Shake shake shake and . . . NADA! Go to One drive. It saves everything. And it had saved this. Right after my story had been sent to Nirvana, leaving only a blank page. A sick feeling came over me. All the fancy wording, the spell checking, not to mention how I’d twisted the truth (Hey! It works for Joe Biden, doesn’t it?) not to mention the time! I began to sink into despair. Then a great light shown around me. Well, not really, I just threw that in, but an interior illumination did occur. First things first.

This was not the theory of relativity. In fact, it wasn’t relative to anything. It was just some gobblty goop I spilled out on a Friday morning while the kids were getting ready for school. Oh, it was clever. Just not exactly “War and Peace.” And I begin to realize that this was no accident. This had to be the hand of God. He does that you know. Every now and then He’ll reach out and touch someone. Well, today He touched me! Or rather He touched my iPhone which is just as good. At any rate I was left with a blank document with a title and some hellacious artwork so I started working on this!

My studies in Stoicism told me to minimize your losses, disappointments and rejections by just saying, “Screw it!” and moving on to something else. This article is the result of that philosophy. And now you know that piss is yellow, God gave ants octagon shaped assholes, and monitors your iPhone.

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