RE:Ligion

RE:Ligion

Commentary/Satire by: Bill the Butcher

Although I was a religious firebrand in my younger years, as the years go by and the end draws near any thinking man would hedge his bet with the Almighty just in case the whackiest ideas about “the other side” turn out to be true.

I was born a Baptist. Being a Baptist is easy. During a moment of doubt you run up during the invitation, shout, “Hallelujah,” the preacher dunks you and your sins are wiped off the slate. You can sin again but the “once saved always saved” theology in effect gives you a “get out of hell free” card so just don’t tell the cops and you are home free.

Baptist preachers are mostly sin free if you don’t count office personnel, but you must remember that she is sin free too. Which would alleviate the need for protection as the possible issue from such a union would be immaculately conceived which would make the choice of a name for the blessed event quite easy. (Hallelujah!)

From there I became a Catholic. The Catholic version of once saved always saved is confession. You can freak off and be cool and be Catholic. Evidence priests getting moved to a new parish after an impressive string of little boys. Hey! I’m not being judgmental. In the words of the Prophet, Will Rodgers I just read the papers and report the facts.

I wanted my boys to have a good Christian upbringing, so I got confirmed and became a Eucharistic Minister which proves that God does have a sense of humor.

When I was a Baptist, I proctored my wife as she went to Liberty University. Now she was dyslexic, so I had to listen to all the audio classes with her and help with the tests. In the Catholic Church I ran with priests (don’t go there) so I had the best of both worlds. At any rate while not being assured of salvation as I was in the Baptist Church there was always confession and, in a pinch, purgatory.

I believed. Still do. Just not in the silly stuff. I firmly believe in the resurrection. Healings by visiting nuns, not so much. But there was this girl. Hey! I had confession, Ok?

Anyway, she was some kind of “saint.” She’d pray and smell like roses. Seeing as she went braless, I smelled the roses every chance I got. Only problem was her ramblings didn’t make no sense. Still, I wrote a book based on her and people started saying I was inspired.

That is where I began to really understand religion. Not God, mind you, religion which I began to pronounce RE-ligion because no matter what the “truth” is God will update it more than an Apple App as succeeding generations began to add new words to the language. Now if God has omnipotence and is unchanging, what changed! WE did! See how easy that was. Light a candle, leave two dollars in the poor box and see ya in The Parish Hall . . .after confession.

Then I entered my Mormon phase. Now I could never be Temple Worthy because I could never see going to heaven without no coffee. Personally, I got into the polygamy, but they screwed that up. Oh, they still do it but they just keep the extras out on the west end of The Great Salt Lake where God can’t see them.

Mormons have this squeaky clean image which makes me believe in miracles. And you can get a Mormon chick to loosen up. Joseph Smith nailed one by telling her that if she didn’t surrender her chastity an angel was coming to kill him with a flaming sword and them knickers came right off. Where were all these girls when I was in high school? The virtue of a Mormon girl is like when you touch a golf ball with a razor blade and all the tightly wound rubber bands pop loose. That’s her clothes. I know they don’t have once saved always saved because they have to renew their subscription to the Church regularly and confession is out of the question for missionaries, so I suppose they just let what happens in the Temple stay in the Temple.

I’ve looked at Islam and while their ideas about whiskey are bit conservative for a Simple Ol’ Boy from Austin, the Qu’ran does allow four tags on your “Dear” license which fits perfectly into my family plan. Allahu Akbar?

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