Pants On Fire

Pants On Fire

Commentary/Satire by: Bill the Butcher

Wanna know how to tell if someone is lying? Forget lie detectors. Lie detectors are just an interrogation technique used by police to wiggle a confession out of a suspect. First off it can’t read your mind. It reads blood, sweat and tears. You’re in the cop shop being questioned by a cop with almost the same leads attached to your body you’d have if you found yourself in the ER after a medical emergency. And you’re being asked loaded questions while you aren’t allowed anything but a simple yes or no answer. “Did you kill the little girl?” “Uh . . . No?”

And all those psychological YouTube videos about telling if a person is lying? There are two very popular videos on the Tube. How to tell if someone is lying, and how to get laid. They are somewhat interchangeable.

This article is about communication, but the lack of communication is a large part of the problems we have today. Getting my ideas across is my stock and trade. Do I lie? You mean this week? We all do! You don’t? Then that would be your first lie today. Try this: Tell your significant other that he, she, or it has a big ass, and see how that works out for you.

We either lie or color our words in practically everything we say. Even if I’m being brutally honest, I’m looking for a way of making my speech a bit more digestible. There’s a fine line between, “Her beauty is timeless” and “Her face could stop a clock!”

Back to lie detectors, the best lie detector in the world is a seasoned detective. That’s why they’re called DETECTives. Because they DETECT! And forget all that “body English” crap. What if they don’t speak English? Body Swahili? The only time that has any bearing is when the suspect is banging his head against the wall.

Do you wanna know what peaks a cop’s interest during questioning? Details! Not the details themselves, but the number. When an innocent person is asked where they were on any given night at any time, they will either not totally recall, or the answer will be simple. “Well, I don’t exactly recall, but my girlfriend came over and we watched something on TV naked, drinking wine.

But the guilty guy? Shut the front door! He will give the location of every atom in the universe when asked what he had for breakfast in 1976. There are many reasons for this. Most criminals are narcissists and love attention. And they really think they’re clever. Police count on that. I want you to check out some interrogation videos on YouTube. Note that the officer doesn’t come off like Perry Mason. More like Columbo. “Am I bothering you? I can always come back later.” Most that comes out of the suspect’s mouth is all about how monumental his achievements are and how great he truly is. Mainly he is cluttering up the room with his used breath in order to try to distract attention from that body the police found in his deep freeze sans liver.

Talking to one of these guys begins with about a fifty percent truth to lie ratio which diminishes exponentially as the interview drags on. The simple fact is that nobody can remember that much and if you just tell the truth, you have less chance of being tripped up, and not having to make bail. —>If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember as much.<—

As a writer I must develop clear paths of communication. And I have to understand who I’m talking to. Years ago, after a speech I gave in Austin, a girl came and sat beside me as I was having a smoke under an oak tree on the Capitol grounds. She was a student at the University of Texas and wanted to discuss my speech.

Now I honestly don’t remember what I spoke about that day, but the lady was in her early 20s, dressed conservatively, and told me she studied law. Her question for me was not so much what I’d said but how I’d said it. She thought that I had “talked down” to the crowd in her opinion. She pointed out that the words I’d used in my speech were radically different from how I was speaking to her.

I listened attentively and told her this. She was a law student in university. She would no doubt be a lawyer someday and there was a good possibility that she could be a judge by the age of fifty. I noticed that she sat up straighter, held her head a bit higher, and her confidence level seemed to increase, if that were possible. These things will occur when you flatter a Feminazi, but after a few whiskeys at Coyote Ugly’s we fixed that. Lord, I’m sorry I did that. I promise I won’t do that no more.

I asked her to look at my constituents who were still milling about the grounds looking for illegal aliens. I told her that most of them were there to stand up for the Second Amendment. Oh, now I remember! That’s why I was there that day. Alzheimer’s is an ever present concern at my age. Now, where was I? Oh yes. I pointed out that some of them were wearing coonskin caps and most, if not all were carrying guns. (Hey! It’s a Texas gun rally, ok?) I told her when I spoke of something such as immigration to someone like her her, I might say, “We must find an equitable solution that allows good people to come to America and contribute to our society so as to enrich that society while benefiting themselves and allowing them to enjoy the American Dream!” But to my audience I might say, “We gotta do something about them Meskins!” Same thought, different approach.

A lot of people get all caught up in their own importance and forget to gauge who they are talking to. That occurs between the mouth of the speaker and the ear of the listener. And this communication will occur only if there is understanding. If there is no understanding you can talk for an hour and not say a damn thing! The more coonskin caps you see, the fewer syllables you should use.

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