The Meaning Of Life

 Commentary/Satire by Bill the Butcher

Life is a configuration, or rather a reconfiguration of personality as you work through the various stages of the understanding of that life. From baby bottle to Ensure, adjustments must be made if one is going to insure themselves against the ravages of old age.

Insure means “protect against loss, damage, or injury” or “provide or obtain insurance on.” Ensure means “make certain that something will occur.”

Insurance can help but be aware that the conditions of life are precariously balanced between changing human understanding as the years roll by. As age rears its ugly head even the most loyal gym member will realize that “E. D.” is not the abbreviation for “education.” If you aren’t there yet, please understand it comes for us all. And you get a senior discount at the grocery store when you pick up your Ensure.

The presentation of self is paramount. We’ve all seen the octogenarian purporting to be in the best time of their life. Clint Eastwood is a prime example. Or Willie Nelson. I will not asperse these guys, love their stuff, but if you will note while they were distinctly different back in the day the look alarmingly the same now, except Willie’s a bit shorter.

I sit alone on my porch each morning and talk to God. And He advises me. I mean, not orally, that’s schizophrenia, and my stint at the Wellington cleared me of that one at least. No, the Almighty whispers in my ear, and should I understand I get to avoid the asswhipping I so richly deserve. And it’s all in the Bible. Luke 9:5, Shaking the dust off your feet that if a person or a group of persons will not respect you avoid even their dust! In modern terms avoid people who dis you, especially family that owe you money.

I used the word “reconfiguration” earlier which could easily be “relearning” or “redefining.” For the most part you must keep a lower profile the older you get. You see, young people have it all figured out. Of course they don’t, but they think they do and their lack of supporting evidence for their philosophy enrages anyone with any cognition at all. It’s as simple as this. Theoretically you can drive a nail through glass. Try it sometime. Then apply that same understanding to picking your gender in the third grade. See where this is going?

I have a thirteen-year-old grandson who has dedicated his life to being gay. When I was thirteen I thought Tinkerbelle on Peter Pan was hot. My grandson and I have no common ground. So, therefore he says I’m homophobic. Now this exemplifies the “Z” Generation’s understanding of four syllable words, which is nil. There are heterosexuals and then there are homosexuals. Heterosexuals tend to gravitate toward partners better approached in a more traditional frontal configuration while the other group is more aligned with a reverse union. “Homophobic” would insinuate that a person is phobic, i.e. afraid of homosexuals. “Homo” meaning “like” and “Phobic” meaning “Fear of.” Who is afraid of gay folks? I’m not. I’m from Austin! They make good waiters, and they do great hair. Therefore, the word “Homophobic” is an oxymoron.

And the understanding of history. There was a “Man on the Street” series of interviews, asking college students their opinion about (then) President Obama giving out an executive order removing The Bill of Rights from the Constitution. Don’t look that up it was a lie. To the student, in college English all of the ones asked agreed that the Bill if Rights was archaic and needed to be removed. College students! At the University of Texas! Where’s Charlie Whitman when we need him?

You cannot develop an understanding of life in a college classroom. The understanding of life has to come from, well, life! This was evident when I convinced a young lady, with a Master’s in Education, mind you, that the Vermouth in a martini would neutralize the gin, and in fact her mind would become clearer the more she drank. And that’s how she woke up wearing a “Keep Austin Weird” T-shirt. Lord, I’m sorry I did that. I promise I won’t do that anymore.

And all of these things are silenced by one statement from a younger person. SHUT UP OLD MAN! How does one combat this? Well, always remember that you are old, and in point of fact you are running out of time with each tic of the clock. This generation will not long remember or care about anything you say or write after you are gone until the Reaper comes knocking on their door and they, like you, will try to impart some vestige of what we laughingly call wisdom.

Money buys everything
People are no damn good
And if you nail two things together that have never been nailed together before, you will die rich!



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